Wednesday, April 27, 2011

strawberry fields forever

No, this post has nothing to do with getting high. That's what The Beatles song was about, right? If not, well, I just assume these things...

I'm listening to the soundtrack from Across the Universe which was a musical movie based on music by The Beatles. I love musicals and who doesn't love songs by The Beatles? The movie came out in 2007 and either that summer or the summer after, my friend Megan and I bought the soundtrack together and drove around Clinton Lake listening to it. It was a 2-disc set and she liked more music on the second disc, I liked more music on the first disc. So after loading all the music from to our laptops, we took our respective discs for our own.
Megan and her boyfriend left in July 2008 to move to Japan to teach English. I've seen her twice (I think) since then. Her first trip back was a year later in 2009 when she and Nathan got married. The next trip back was Christmas 2009 (if you're keeping track, it's been over a year since I've seen her).

Meg and Nate announced a few weeks ago they would be returning to the states (and Lawrence, Kansas!!!) for good this August. They'll be here this weekend looking for a place to live and employment. I am absolutely ecstatic that they are returning! Their return really highlights how much can change in three years. The last year of college (2007) was pretty rough. I had to work and was leader of one of the largest student orgs on campus. I was living with people who ended up not being the friends I thought they were. Actually, now that I think about it, I see that as the leap/transition from being a college student to trying to be a grownup (still a work in progress, really). I am not sure I would have gotten through the summer of 2007 and last semester of college (fall 2007) without her. We graduated that fall and searched for jobs together. We found jobs that neither of us ended up being happy with. She figured it out right away and, when the opportunity presented itself, went on a grand adventure to Japan. It took me longer to figure out that this job isn't what I want. And now, once again, Megan and I are looking for jobs.

Except three years ago, I was 23 and fresh out of college. I spent two months post grad completely unemployed and socially withdrawn. It feels like crap to have had a productive and resume-filled 4 1/2 years to be released to the real world and feel that you may not be living up to the expectations. There were people that hurt me and judged me and I didn't want them to know. I didn't want to spend time with them, let alone know I had failed. Though, now being unemployed for two months doesn't seem so bad in comparison to what the economy has been in the past three years. And my social life has picked back up. Post graduation, it's easy to lament the loss of friends scattered far. It takes more to insert yourself in new social situations and make new friends. It's not easy to do when you're surrounded by thousands of college students who are no longer your peers but the people you're supposed to advise. Now, my job search is fueled by my desire to move back into a career field that I'm excited about being a part of. It's not fuled my a post-grad panic filled with lots of CBS show (the only channel I could get) watching and scrambled egg and toast eating.
Three years ago, I never thought Megan would be married and living with her boyfriend in Japan while I'm planning to move in with my boyfriend. My boyfriend, Phil, who Megan hasn't even met. This seems crazy.




"living is easy with eyes closed"

Monday, April 18, 2011

My sparkly blue nail polish mocks me

(Note: I wrote this on March 27, a few weeks ago after KU lost the tournament game to make it into the final 4. Not sure why I didn't hit "publish post".)


*sigh*

KU can't win it every year but every year there's always that point when fans think, "this is the year". And then they lose.

And, for the 2nd year in a row, KU loses on a day when a cold-snap brings snow to Lawrence. There's always one freak snowfall in March but I am not amused it falls on the same day as a KU loss.

But it's this kid that makes this hurt. Here for four years and totally worked his butt off. There are several on the team that have their choice to leave or stay, but this was Tyrel's last game.


I came up to my office after the game to work on some cover letters and job applications. Might as well be productive while I pretend not to be sad.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

It's the free time that's dangerous

Where did all this free time come from this weekend? Did I not plan accordingly. Am I feeling restless... about I don't even know what? Is it the lack of jobs to apply for? Is it the waiting for the jobs I HAVE applied for making me nervous and jumpy? Is it the warmer weather? Is it my lack of exercise?

I feel anxious. Maybe because things are going to change? Well, I don't know if they're GOING to, but I hope they're going to be changing soon. I feel this buzz. The electricity in the refrigerator seems louder, not because there is no other sound in the house, but it knows too. Yes, the refrigerator is humming with electricity because things might be changing. And I'm ready. But I'm not being patient about the waiting. I'm moody (yesterday I was on top of the clouds enjoying the day and today I'm grumpy for no good reason). I'm being sarcastic (especially at work) in a bitter, not-fun sort of way.

I'm questioning myself. Who am I? I think I've always had a very poor concept of who I am. A friend during my sophomore year in college told me she didn't think boys asked me out because they thought I was intimidating. I still find that shocking. I was shy and quiet growing up. A couple of friends I made freshman year in high school at first thought I was a snob because I didn't talk to them. I didn't talk to them because I was shy and afraid everyone was going to hate me. So, thinking me in high school OR college was anything close to intimidating seems absolutely laughable. I've known since ninth grade that I'm a bitch. But that was because I had one friend I always fought with and that's what we called each other in the mean, horrific, that's-the-worst-thing-you-can-say-to-a15-year-old way. I can still be a bitch. But mostly because if I have an opinion, I'll share it. And my sympathy is low on most occasions. Especially at work. And it's at work where when I hear people say things about me, I'm wondering who they're talking about. I'm sassy. And outspoken. And the one who is speaking up to say, "no, don't let this happen today, it's NOT ready!" (Totally my best moment at work last fall). They also think I'm funny and insightful. And this baffles me. Maybe I'm still getting over or moving past that girl I was in high school. That girl who with low self-confidence. Since sometimes mid-college, I have slowly figured out things about me that I like (god, that sounds sad and pathetic). And the people I keep around me are the ones that like the same things about me. And the majority of the time, I surround myself with those people and those ideas. And I keep myself busy with work. And looking for more work. And being excited about my friend Megan coming back to town. And spending time with my wonderful boyfriend. And doing work for my wonderful boyfriend's new company. And working with the Girl Scout troop that I'm a co-leader for.And spending time with friends. But sometimes, on a weekend like this, where I have less to do and I can't convince myself to do actual housework, I think about ME. And that's unsettling. Because. Because: Who am I?


Sometimes, I have no idea.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

What's happening, April?

One day, when I am not spending every free moment applying for new jobs, I will write more. But I've always said that. I've always said "I want to write more". I want to develop a style. I want to be inspired to write a story.
On occasion, I have great moments of inspiration to write. It hasn't happened in awhile, but I would sometimes start writing just a thought right before bed. And sometimes the (somewhat poetic) thoughts wouldn't stop for an hour. I would just write and write. I don't have quite as much free time anymore, so my free thinking, creative thoughts aren't as active.

But today, I'm sitting at Henry's with Phil on a gorgeous spring afternoon in Lawrence. I had to work at my real job today (yes, on a Saturday). And I stopped by the Lawrence library to get the next book in the YA series I somehow can't stop reading. (We can blame my highschool BFF for that.)
So, I'm sitting here with Phil, doing a little work for his company, making some headway in my Google Reader and looking for jobs. As of right now I, shockingly, have no jobs to apply for. I've been pretty seriously job hunting for about six months and have constantly had jobs to apply for. I feel very lucky that there is so much opportunity in the Kansas City area in the field I want to be in.
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I had a job interview in February for a small events and meeting planning boutique. It seemed like a great job and a good fit but I was not comfortable at the interview. Maybe because my interview skills were rusty but I kind of think the person I interviewed with wasn't very personable/friendly. At least, she didn't come across like that in the interview. So that was definitely not my best. I did receive a call they were moving on in their search with other candidates. I wasn't that sad about it.
I interviewed for a position with a super-new start-up tech company. It has a lot of buzz right now. A LOT. OF. BUZZ. But it was a two-month contract. And I had to start, like, yesterday. And as much as I'm not at all content and completely annoyed with my current job, I made it clear that I could not start for another two weeks. At least. Because leaving before June would give my current coworkers a lot more work in an already full spring semester. So, I won't screw them over. I'm loyal like that.
I applied for a job for a company in KC in January (yes, THREE months ago). I thought the position was open. I received a response that they weren't looking for anyone. (Me= totally confused). But the company contacted me about a month ago. They had some positions open again. After 3 weeks of phone-tag, I finally had an interview scheduled for this past week. It went great! It's a very employee-focused company. Casual dress (ie jeans) and the HR recruiter was personable and friendly and there were really only two "interview" questions. It was a conversation, not a question and answer session. Between the really great interview (including)  the promise of an additional interview with some management in the area of the position) and the pingpong + video game room, I'm really excited for this position. The ONLY downside is the commute. Forty minutes each way. Not bad, but definitely a time suck.
But I do have a second interview next week, so it's promising.

But there are two positions IN the city I live that I REALLY want because the commute would, obviously, be shorter. And I could do more work for my boyfriend's company. BUT WHO KNOWS. I need a job offer before I make any decisions. But here I sit, with no jobs to apply for. And that seems weird. But I'm sure something will pop up in a few days. Or, even better, I have an actual job offer.
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But I have to time to write. And Henry's reminds me I want to sit in a coffee shop all day writing. Or doing something creative.
Or, thinking how me and my friend Becca should start an event planning business. Or, how I should be looking into more freelance writing opportunities. Or how there's so much stuff I could do and I just can't decide.

And how this blog entry has completely lost any focus.

What were we talking about again?