Sunday, April 17, 2011

It's the free time that's dangerous

Where did all this free time come from this weekend? Did I not plan accordingly. Am I feeling restless... about I don't even know what? Is it the lack of jobs to apply for? Is it the waiting for the jobs I HAVE applied for making me nervous and jumpy? Is it the warmer weather? Is it my lack of exercise?

I feel anxious. Maybe because things are going to change? Well, I don't know if they're GOING to, but I hope they're going to be changing soon. I feel this buzz. The electricity in the refrigerator seems louder, not because there is no other sound in the house, but it knows too. Yes, the refrigerator is humming with electricity because things might be changing. And I'm ready. But I'm not being patient about the waiting. I'm moody (yesterday I was on top of the clouds enjoying the day and today I'm grumpy for no good reason). I'm being sarcastic (especially at work) in a bitter, not-fun sort of way.

I'm questioning myself. Who am I? I think I've always had a very poor concept of who I am. A friend during my sophomore year in college told me she didn't think boys asked me out because they thought I was intimidating. I still find that shocking. I was shy and quiet growing up. A couple of friends I made freshman year in high school at first thought I was a snob because I didn't talk to them. I didn't talk to them because I was shy and afraid everyone was going to hate me. So, thinking me in high school OR college was anything close to intimidating seems absolutely laughable. I've known since ninth grade that I'm a bitch. But that was because I had one friend I always fought with and that's what we called each other in the mean, horrific, that's-the-worst-thing-you-can-say-to-a15-year-old way. I can still be a bitch. But mostly because if I have an opinion, I'll share it. And my sympathy is low on most occasions. Especially at work. And it's at work where when I hear people say things about me, I'm wondering who they're talking about. I'm sassy. And outspoken. And the one who is speaking up to say, "no, don't let this happen today, it's NOT ready!" (Totally my best moment at work last fall). They also think I'm funny and insightful. And this baffles me. Maybe I'm still getting over or moving past that girl I was in high school. That girl who with low self-confidence. Since sometimes mid-college, I have slowly figured out things about me that I like (god, that sounds sad and pathetic). And the people I keep around me are the ones that like the same things about me. And the majority of the time, I surround myself with those people and those ideas. And I keep myself busy with work. And looking for more work. And being excited about my friend Megan coming back to town. And spending time with my wonderful boyfriend. And doing work for my wonderful boyfriend's new company. And working with the Girl Scout troop that I'm a co-leader for.And spending time with friends. But sometimes, on a weekend like this, where I have less to do and I can't convince myself to do actual housework, I think about ME. And that's unsettling. Because. Because: Who am I?

Sometimes, I have no idea.

1 comment:

  1. Well, I think you are a wonderful person and can't wait to spend time with you again! Just stay positive and everything will work out! Also, I'll be in Lawrence in a week and a half and we can chat for a long time about the future. I can't wait! Too bad Pizza Street isn't around anymore. Love and miss you! See you soon!