It's the free time that's dangerous

Where did all this free time come from this weekend? Did I not plan accordingly. Am I feeling restless... about I don't even know what? Is it the lack of jobs to apply for? Is it the waiting for the jobs I HAVE applied for making me nervous and jumpy? Is it the warmer weather? Is it my lack of exercise?

I feel anxious. Maybe because things are going to change? Well, I don't know if they're GOING to, but I hope they're going to be changing soon. I feel this buzz. The electricity in the refrigerator seems louder, not because there is no other sound in the house, but it knows too. Yes, the refrigerator is humming with electricity because things might be changing. And I'm ready. But I'm not being patient about the waiting. I'm moody (yesterday I was on top of the clouds enjoying the day and today I'm grumpy for no good reason). I'm being sarcastic (especially at work) in a bitter, not-fun sort of way.

I'm questioning myself. Who am I? I think I've always had a very poor concept of who I am. A friend during my sophomore year in college told me she didn't think boys asked me out because they thought I was intimidating. I still find that shocking. I was shy and quiet growing up. A couple of friends I made freshman year in high school at first thought I was a snob because I didn't talk to them. I didn't talk to them because I was shy and afraid everyone was going to hate me. So, thinking me in high school OR college was anything close to intimidating seems absolutely laughable. I've known since ninth grade that I'm a bitch. But that was because I had one friend I always fought with and that's what we called each other in the mean, horrific, that's-the-worst-thing-you-can-say-to-a15-year-old way. I can still be a bitch. But mostly because if I have an opinion, I'll share it. And my sympathy is low on most occasions. Especially at work. And it's at work where when I hear people say things about me, I'm wondering who they're talking about. I'm sassy. And outspoken. And the one who is speaking up to say, "no, don't let this happen today, it's NOT ready!" (Totally my best moment at work last fall). They also think I'm funny and insightful. And this baffles me. Maybe I'm still getting over or moving past that girl I was in high school. That girl who with low self-confidence. Since sometimes mid-college, I have slowly figured out things about me that I like (god, that sounds sad and pathetic). And the people I keep around me are the ones that like the same things about me. And the majority of the time, I surround myself with those people and those ideas. And I keep myself busy with work. And looking for more work. And being excited about my friend Megan coming back to town. And spending time with my wonderful boyfriend. And doing work for my wonderful boyfriend's new company. And working with the Girl Scout troop that I'm a co-leader for.And spending time with friends. But sometimes, on a weekend like this, where I have less to do and I can't convince myself to do actual housework, I think about ME. And that's unsettling. Because. Because: Who am I?


Sometimes, I have no idea.

March Sadness

Being a college basketball fan almost guarantees sadness at the end of the season. Because you always want your team to win the big dance. And MOST years, that doesn't happen. But THIS year, KU fans had high expectations. And a team from my home state crushed those expectations. Hard. UNI simply played better.

My only consolation is that 47% of the brackets filled out on espn.com had KU winning the whole thing. That's something like 2 million brackets. Trust me when I say most of those are NOT KU fans. That's a whole lot of busted brackets.

Rock Chalk and yours in true March Sadness,
Bailey

I just need to stop thinking about it!

I worry, a lot. And I say stupid/embarrassing things. Which leads me to CONSTANTLY WORRY about the stupid/embarrassing things I've said. I try to rationalize that everyone has those feelings of doubt about how they reacted to a situation. Everyone says silly or stupid things. But I still feel like a fool reliving these things OVER and OVER again. And if I think of one, I think of many more. This is happening at work rather often now. I know that not everything I say or do is remembered by everyone who is in the room at the time. I am absolutely NOT the center of this world. But I still cannot help it.



I maybe need therapy. Or just a good kick in the butt. How does everyone else deal with minor humiliation on an (almost) daily basis?

Embarrassed squirrel picture from here.

You can't take a picture of this, it's already gone

Have you ever experienced something so haunting, so poignant, so beautiful it made you cry from the sadness and the happiness and also made you so aware of THIS very life you're living all in one burst of emotion? I love good tv and appreciate good characters and shows but I never thought a show could impact me so much. Six Feet Under has been over for 4 years now but I just started watching it 6 months ago. I finally finished the last season with a friend last night and it was absolutely incredible. I thought about yesterday while I should have been working and couldn't stop listening to "Breathe Me" by Sia when I went to bed on Wednesday night.

It was truly exquisite. And I hope to say, years from now, that it had a deep-down impact on my life. Hopefully, more loving, care-free and embracing of life. Because, right now, that is what the show has made me want to appreciate more about this existence.

Here is video of Sia, singing "Breathe Me", the song from the last few minutes of the episode. It definitely made the finale what it was.