Happy Tears

I was in 9th grade when my emotional sensibilities kicked in. We watched "The Odyssey" in my English literature course and when Odysseus' wife, Penelope, realizes her husband has returned after 17 long years away, I wept for them. Thankfully, the lights were off in the classroom and my silent tears went mostly unnoticed by my classmates. That same year, I watched "City of Angels". And Nicolas Cage's previously unfelt pain was like my pain. He gave up everything for Meg Ryan and then she was gone. I set next to my friend since Kindergarten, Caroline, as we both tried to hide our tears. Apparently, we were saps.

But I didn't get it from any stranger: graduations, particularly important birthdays, high school dances, meaningful Christmas gifts, "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart; all produce tears from my mother's eyes. My sister and I used to make fun of her, now we embrace it. Especially since we're usually right there with her. My sister decided to make my mom a scrapbook of family photos for christmas. She started in October. I contributed scrapbooking materials, my sister's boyfriend picked out the book, and his son (my sister's semi-stepson) created his own page full of pictures and stickers. We decided weeks ago my mom would bawl like a baby when she opened it. A week or two before Christmas, she commented on this to her boyfriend's 5-year old son who responded, with alarm: "why will Cappy (Cathy) cry?". My sister told him our mom would be crying happy tears, not sad tears. But the tears came far before Christmas morning, when my mom eventually opened (and cried over) her scrapbook. Christmas Eve, she had my sister and I open identical presents. Small, silver bracelets that read"Sisters are different flowers from the same garden". A few glasses of wine in, and obviously, we were a little emotional about it.

A few times in the past couple months, I've found myself crying for no particular reason. Usually, in the car when I have nothing but my thoughts to keep me company or when an emotional song hits me, juuuust right.

Example:

• Laughed Until We Cried by Jason Aldean

More Jason Aldean music on iLike

But a lot of the time, I'm just thinking about all the good right now: my family, my high school friends, my college friends, my Lawrence friends, my coworkers, my job. Life isn't perfect, but I'm living it. Everyday, I'm doing what I want. I'm enjoying what I have. I'm dating someone and trying not to freak out or do that thing women do. I'm just glad I get to spend time with someone I am so grateful to have met this year who also happens to be an incredible person. Other than that, I don't want to push it.

So, there's all this good stuff? And I'm appreciating what I DO have, opposed to lamenting what I DON'T. I think that's what us humans would call happiness. And I'm thrilled to be there! May you always cry more happy tears!

Enjoying life more everyday

Growing up, I felt like the responsible one in my family. I rebelled against my mom and dad by being an ANGEL of a child. Not that they were horrible, but I don't do a lot of things now because of the example they set (or really, didn't set). Seems ridiculous, but I was kind of an uptight kid. I felt an enormous amount of pressure, most of it, I think, came from myself. I did not want to be working in a bar when I got married and started a family, so I was very focused in doing well in school and doing "resume-building" activities. Then I went to college and did the same thing in hopes of being as prepared as possible for the post-college job-search. And I had fun, in college but I also had to work incredibly hard to pay for all my housing, etc. I had very little assistance from my parents and I struggled several years to realize that I ONLY needed to be responsible for myself and what I did. I felt that I could argue with my family until they changed. That, I found out, does not really work. So now, while I'm still feeling the effects of putting myself through school (loans, credit card bills, more loans), I have definitely chilled a bit more in my "adult" life. (The fact that I should even consider myself an adult blows my mind.) I have been able to accept a lot more of the parts about my family (and some friends) that I used to not be able to handle or let go. I better appreciate my mom and my aunt's care free and loving attitudes. I love how much my grandma is absolutely devoted to all her children and grandchildren (despite their flaws).

So, despite all of the hard work and, admittedly, disappointments with not having it easy, I feel more content then I have my whole "responsible person" life. I'm not perfect and I don't have everything I want, but that's what the point of life is; enjoying what and who you have in your life but always working to improve it and make it more fulfilling. So, despite my full-time job and all my loans, I also have time to write, to read and do what I enjoy. And I'm kind of loving that right now.

Photo from here.

Don't call this place boring...

...it's freakin' gorgeous.






and me, heading out to enjoy the lovely evening :)