happy news and family emotions

My baby sister is getting married!
I am truly excited and am so glad she found such a wonderful fiance. (Honestly, I don't know how he puts up with her! Joking. Mostly.).
She's definitely going to be the sister (between the two of us) who is going to want the big wedding. I'm excited to be able to put my wedding planning skills to use. Well, I hope I do. I've always been the bossy older sister but if there is one thing I've learned about weddings, it's that the wedding should be about the people getting married and what they want. Not what everyone else wants. So hopefully, if nothing else, I impart that wisdom on her. Our mom, I'm sure, will get overly involved. I might event get a little pushy. I hope she doesn't let us.
Might you be thinking my next point would be to belabor the point that my younger sister is getting married before me? Nope. Don't need to. She's been with her boyfriend fiance! for four years and while I thought I would have been married by now, I honestly don't feel that pressure. I did that four (and a half) year degree thing which kind of takes a toll on earning money and actually being an adult. I've had a few years and have gotten over, gotten used to, accepted the amount of bills I owe. And other than financially struggling with bills, I'm happy. Lawrence is wonderful, I know a new job will come my way at some point and I've got a move to an awesome house with an amazing boyfriend.
Life is good. And I know my sister had been ready to start planning a wedding (and have babies) so I'm glad her and her fiance are now on the same page.

Other weekend highlights. I didn't go to Des Moines this weekend despite my mom's birthday on Saturday and Father's Day on Sunday. My mom was having a hard time over the weekend. She's crazy excited about Alli and Nick getting engaged but she had her first Father's Day since my grandpa died. Why do I know this? My dad told me. My dad and mom are divorced. They still get along - mostly- as long as my dad doesn't act like a jackass towards me ore my sister (it's been known to happen). My dad told me all this last evening when I called him to wish him a Happy Father's Day. He's gotten a bit emotional over the past year. Turning 50 maybe had something to do with it. I think his youngest daughter's engagement and his eldest daughter moving in with a boyfriend probably doesn't help. I also haven't been back to Des Moines since February and my has taken to telling lies: she hasn't seen me since December when we were back from Christmas? Not true Mom, not true.

Anyway, I feel bad not being back recently but since they're planning on visiting me at the end of July (to help with the move) I think we can all just relax until then. I hope so, at least!

Happy summer to all!

Sweet, cherry pie

I am making a cherry pie for my my (2nd) Thanksgiving dinner this weekend, which is this afternoon with my mom's side of the family.

It's my favorite. I think, before too long, I will make a cherry pie from scratch, even if that means pitting the cherries myself, because I don't think  buying pie crusts and cherry filling really counts as homemade even if I do put it in the oven myself.

I credit my cherry pie (my favorite of the pie varieties) love to the cherry tree that grew in my neighbors yard when I was growing up. It was definitely a tree in his yard but much of the tree hung over the fence between the properties and over the driveway next to my house growing up. Dan, my neighbor, let my sister and I pick cherries when they were ready and we would take heaping bowls home. My mom sometimes made fresh pie and sometimes we would pit them and eat them fresh. It is definitely one of those warm childhood memories I know will continue to be the reason for my choice in pie.

But now to look for that perfect cherry pie... this one looks like a winner.

escape

I won't get into too much detail -- who needs to hear about other people's family drama, really? -- about how Thanksgiving went on my Dad's side of the family. It was good! And then it wasn't. Isn't that always how it works? Everyone is manageable until someone reaches the tipping point with the number of alcoholic beverages and says something stupid. And that one comment is the igniter for the blow up.

*sigh*

I never know from which way it's coming either. My dad. My sister. My mom. My aunt. Odds are usually in one or two family members' favors but you never quite know. This time, it sucked, but really, it wasn't a surprise. And that's the sad thing.

It's like a scary movie: you expect it, you just don't know when it's coming. And it freaks you out. But you can't say you didn't know it was coming.

This has made me want to scurry back to Lawrence ASAP. At my first available opening. In this instance, it's tonight. After the 2nd Thanksgiving dinner of the weekend has been prepared, eaten and cleared away. After most of the family has left the clubhouse at my mom's condo. It will probably be dark but ces't la vie.

It also makes me consider my Christmas plans a bit differently. Instead of trying to please others, I'm going to do what I want. And spend it with who I want to be with most.

But for this weekend, I'll be escaping from all the family time. Escaping to Lawrence. Escaping to home.

Packing

A couple months ago I was at my Grandma's visiting. She was preparing to pack her suitcase for a cruise on the shores of New England and southeast Canada. She was fretting about what to bring, if she would have enough luggage space and if she would have enough outfits for all her days on the cruise ship. I finally asked her "why don't you just start putting all the things you want in the suitcase and see what happens?!" I then proceeded to pack her suitcase for her.

I was amused because my grandma has been going on bus trips, cruises, month-long stays in northern Minnesota  for years (last year she went to China!). She's been travelling for more years than I've been alive. I told her she had "more experience packing then I did". She responded that she did not and that my grandpa had done all her packing for her when he was alive (this is my grandpa who died in 2004).

As I continued packing she told me that one time she forgot to pack his underwear and he did all the packing after that one time; she was just supposed to lay out what she wanted and he would pack it for her. I'm not sure why, but I thought this was adorable. I called my sister and told her - she was very amused as well. We thought back to how, before my grandparents two month trips to Minnesota, there would be stuff ALL over their house. It was because my grandma prepared it all and my grandpa packed it all. I'm not sure why this has stuck with me.

So really, my grandma went almost 50 years without packing her own suitcase and has just been responsible for packing herself for a few years. I guess I am better at it than she is.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Writing from my grandma's kitchen in Des Moines. I just helped her with the turkey and it is now in the oven. Drinking some coffee and looking through the ads (stack is twice as large as the actual paper). I don't think I can actually afford anything but hoping to get an idea of what to get my Dad for Christmas. He's always the hardest to shop for. I can never tell if he likes what I get him. He should be over soon to my grandma's soon and we'll start the other food for our planned 3:30 feast.

Did I mention the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is on?

Turkey, parade, cold weather. I'm a fan of tradition. Especially when so many people across the country are doing the same thing.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend! Happy Thanksgiving!

50 Years of Love

On October 1, my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Seventeen days later, on October 18, my grandpa died from heart failure.

None of us expected him to go. He was in the hospital. He had been in the hospital off and on with heart problems for years.

During the visitation, I arrived at the funeral home and sat with my grandma after she watched the slideshow and looked at the board full of beautiful pictures that, for the most part, reflected the life they shared together for just over 50 years. My grandma had just recently left a rehabilitation facility because she had fallen and broken some ribs. As she shifted in her seat, she winced. I asked her "do you need anything, do you hurt?"

Her response: "the only thing that hurts is my broken heart."

I squeezed her hand in mine. What could I say to that? My heart ached more at that moment than it had over the past 11 days.

During the service, I learned my grandma only agreed to go out with my grandpa when she learned he was not already married. Perhaps a sign of the times? It was 1960 after all and she already had 3 daughters from a previous marriage. (They are really my half-aunts, really, who I didn't realize were my half-aunts until I was 15. After the initial shock of this family news, nothing really changed. They are a part of our family and called my grandpa "dad" even thought he was not their biologically father.) My sister and I looked at each other in surprise when we learned our grandparents met and were married just 5 weeks later. My grandparents argued, what seemed like, all the time. He teased her and pushed just the right buttons to make her scowl and exclaim "Jack!"

But they had love. For more than 50 years.

Weekend Bliss

I got a lot of really good living in this weekend.

Slept in and had a lazy Saturday morning (good start to the birthday, I think!), had lunch with friends, got a free giant iced chai at Dunn Brothers (I love the birthday freebies!), pampered myself at home and got all pretty for a birthday dinner with an awesome guy and then a night out on the town with a fun group of friends.

Today, had a delicious Wheatlfield's brunch, volunteered with the girl scouts at Hidden Valley (yupp, those are my sore muscles whimpering from the mulch pushing), and learned a new skill: HTML and CSS (for web coding and design).

It went by so quickly I'm a little amazed it's after 10pm on Sunday evening!

I know, Bliss right?!

So, things, as mentioned in previous entries, have been tough lately.

But see the title of my blog? finding bliss.


I think my goal of NaBloPoMo will be just that. finding bliss.


Because yeah, things aren't easy. But things are never easy. Some years/months/days are worse than others. But there are also years/months/days that are better than others.

And this year, though not over and which started out NotThatFun, will go down as a pretty stellar year. And I should focus on the positive. Makes me a happier, less hateful person.

So, in no particular order, the people that make my life rock:

Though my job is, ahem, challenging, I have amazing coworkers. I wish I could work with them forever (do I sound like a 13-year old girl?)

My roommate is awesome. We didn't meet until the day we moved in together (yay craigslist) on August 1, 2009. She's been a wonderful person to have in my life (and my house - both houses!)

I'm on good terms with my family. I actually feel closer to them then I have in a long time. That happens when you need them and they are there for you. And when you're honest with each other.

My friends are stellar:
My high school (shoot, I mean MIDDLE school) buds: Ashlee and Lindsey.
My friends from college: Becca (we have awesomely ridiculous gmail chats), Miss Rissky(who is like my personal philosopher), Ryan (and his new bride Laura), Megan (though she is far away in Japan), and Becky (who I just don't see enough)
My twitter buds: Caroline, Erin, Debbi, Amerika
Oh, and without going into ridiculously cute overload, my boyfriend rocks, too :)

Writing this made me smile.
finding bliss.

Should have known...

It's been a tough few months. So as much as this NaBloPoMo (for me) should be about creativity and exploring different types of writing, figuring out what type of writer I want to be and creating a consistent writing platform, it certainly hasn't been the time for me to make a plan. So, what exactly have I been doing? Considering a new job, finding new jobs, getting increasingly hateful towards my current job, appreciating my coworkers making the current job worth standing.

Over the weekend, I also was in Iowa celebrating my grandpa's life with my family. It was a long, hard weekend. And there's so many things I could wish to express to my grandpa and to my family and things people told me about my him. I just don't think I'm at the point to share quite yet.

Grandpa Jack

My Grandpa Jack died on Tuesday night.

I wish he had visited me in Lawrence. Mostly, because I wished you all could have met him. I feel that everyone should have known him. A jokester with a wonderful and caring soul. He always seemed tall to me but he also always seemed larger than life.

A memorial service won't be held until next weekend. So I'll stay here since I'm busy at work and won't  be able to do much in Iowa with my family anyway. I say that and it seems harsh. Maybe I should go back sooner? I just don't know.

One thing I've learned about me over the past 36 hours is my ability to cope. I pulled it together and worked yesterday afternoon. I worked today. I thought about my grandpa but felt nothing. But now, unwinding at the end of a busy day, by myself in my house, the emotions are coming back. I guess that's the way I'm going to deal with it.

Today: I was called a "smart-ass" and a "millennial"...

... I was more upset about being called a millennial.

The beginning of this year was trying. This summer made up for the crappy first few months of 2010 and have moved it into the "awesome year" category.

Not that there are not still challenges. Dental bills are ridiculous and student loans are astronomical. It's crazy that I can have regrets about attending and paying for an out of state education yet still not regret coming to Lawrence, KS (I love living here and I have an incredible group of people that I know). But school loans are another post...

So, let's start from the beginning...

Work has been insane. I think our stress release has been to complain and make jokes to each other (and sometimes, not in the presence of certain others...) but I still fear we're all about to crack. Several of us have explicitly mentioned that we might (and probably are ) looking for other jobs. I can't say I don't agree... do you think the state of Kansas pays that well?

So, I walked into another part of the office, looking for a co-worker and my boss heard me, asked who it was and said "oh, another one of our smart-asses" (!!!)  I went in there and asked what I had done. I certainly was guilty of a few jokes/pranks in the office, but thought I had been pretty good lately. She assured me she meant it in the best way possible and it was actually a pretty hilarious moment.

Later, after the day of meetings and a presentation and general annoyance about work/finances I stopped into see some people I worked with when I was a student. Let's just say, I went to the wrong place for sympathy. "Not enough pay and too much work?" I was asked. Well, yeah. Exactly. If you find yourself in that situation, you try and resolve it. I don't have enough money to pay all my bills and don't want to be totally stressed out by the amount of money that goes to overdraft fees.

Basically, now I'm a whiny millennial. And having that conversation made me more whiny.

I don't think it's wrong to want to NOT be in a place where you can't buy ANYTHING for 4 days because your credit cards are maxed out and your bank account is in the red. Finances will only become more complicated with a family and I'd like to be financially stable before I begin that process. Is that too much to ask for?

I don't think so.

Cupcakes and birthdays and tv and family and argghhh.

Friend Erin's birthday is today -she's off teaching a class- so it's okay for me to reveal that I'm making cupcakes to take when we go to The Sandbar for some drinks! It's a school/work night so hopefully, things don't get too crazy. Or maybe, I will just call in sick. KIDDING BOSS! I mean, I HAVE like 20 sick days stacked up (let's not even talk about my 33 vacation days) but who needs a day off work? Not THIS woman!

Work is nuts - new leadership and new initiatives are making our office a little crazy. We're kicking off lots of new things in the next few weeks and it will be interesting to see how they go. Plus we had someone leave and I've taken over 1/2 her job through the end of the year (at least). Which means an awesome raise and/or bonus, right?! HA! At a state job? You didn't think I was serious, did you?

For whatever reason, even though I had missed what I thought was a large chunk of last season's House, I had to watch the premiere.Because, oh em gee: Huddy. Those two crazy kids finally got together. Thankfully, my DVR had it scheduled to record because I watched the first 10 minutes another TWO times since last night. Romantic. And hot. Apparently, I'm a sucker for couples that don't get together right away. Takes them FOREVER to finally realize what the want is right there: Scully and Mulder. Josh and Donna. Love. It. And, considering this summer's events, kind of funny/ironic, too.

My grandma fell and broke her hip last Friday morning. I didn't know until Sunday afternoon. Over FORTY-EIGHT hours later. As her favorite grandchild, I was DISTURBED to find out anything had even happened due to my sister's Facebook status. That should not even be a fathomable sentence. Possibly the first time I've thought- hey, who needs this Facebook anyhow? (I just NOW had this thought... so we'll see.) She'll be fine and out of the hospital by the end of the week and really, she's probably still just mad that it even happened. She's firery like that. And sassy. Which in no way has rubbed off on her oldest (and did I mention favorite?!) grandchild.

He's just awkward

My sister and I realized a few weeks ago that our dad doesn't quite know what to do with us. We're grown up. I moved away, went to college and started a life in another state. My sister is practically a stay at home step-mom to a 5 year old (adorable) little boy. She's only 22. She and her boyfriend own a house with a cat and a dog. The last time I was home, I realized my dad is just totally awkward at her house. I don't think he love her boyfriend, but he certainly can't hate him. It's like he doesn't know what to do with two grown daughters. He still gives us money and will be coming to help me move next weekend. But he doesn't need to lecture us (not that he did much anyway) or try and keep us in line.  But he can't quite figure out how to be a Dad to two grown women.

I guess life is full of weird transition issues.

Becca: "we need to make a fort or something and make it a no-drama zone"

Truer words have never been spoken.

So who has a set of construction plans for a really sweet (and drama-resistant) fort?

Rules

A couple years ago, I discovered my aunt had kept a list of "rules" my cousins and I had made when we were kids playing together at a family gathering. She ended up shrinking the list, making copies, laminating and making magnets from it; because really, what more basic rules do you need for life than the ones you create when you are 8 years old? So, I give you: The Rules.

Thoughts:

This one I keep on my desk at work. My aunt's boyfriend actually keeps copies of the list at meetings he goes to for his company. A fun and cute aspect to any business meeting, but also a reminder to "play nice". An important thing even as a grown-up.

I was 8-years old and while I did go on, at the tender age of 11, to win the 5th grade spelling bee at my elementary school (it was BIG time!) I didn't know SPITTING had two 't's. But I still think no SPITING is just as important of a rule. 2 rules in 1. Genius.

Despite this list being created in approximately 1993, I pretty much know why each rule made the list.

#1, #2 and #4 were because there were boy cousins. And any boy under the age of 10 (well, any age really) needs to learn to keep their hands to themselves.

#3 probably came from my sister who, at the age of 5, needed to know everything, much like myself. But we kept secrets from her because SHE didn't know how to keep a secret.

#5 was probably also from my sister who thought I was a big meanie and always got her into trouble (I was only able to avoid trouble myself because I spoke softly while my sister yelled for the whole house to hear - so she attracted the punishment. Not my fault I was a clever fighter!)

#6 was definitely from me because I was (still am?) completely insecure and worried no one liked me. Even my cousins. I like, well LOVE my cousins and am still somewhat close to them today. So them including me was important.

#7 Our parents raised us (somewhat) well so we were (sometimes still are) responsible children. And responsible children shared their toys (or video game controllers).

#8 It lasted until my sister was 18 (and I was 21) but she and I argued more than any other children my parents knew. We were good kids, but we could infuriate each other more than any other individual on this planet. We still can, we've just learned how not to. Most of the time. So I'm pretty sure our cousins added this to the list to keep us in line. Because if it was a kid rule, it was gold.

Happy Tears

I was in 9th grade when my emotional sensibilities kicked in. We watched "The Odyssey" in my English literature course and when Odysseus' wife, Penelope, realizes her husband has returned after 17 long years away, I wept for them. Thankfully, the lights were off in the classroom and my silent tears went mostly unnoticed by my classmates. That same year, I watched "City of Angels". And Nicolas Cage's previously unfelt pain was like my pain. He gave up everything for Meg Ryan and then she was gone. I set next to my friend since Kindergarten, Caroline, as we both tried to hide our tears. Apparently, we were saps.

But I didn't get it from any stranger: graduations, particularly important birthdays, high school dances, meaningful Christmas gifts, "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart; all produce tears from my mother's eyes. My sister and I used to make fun of her, now we embrace it. Especially since we're usually right there with her. My sister decided to make my mom a scrapbook of family photos for christmas. She started in October. I contributed scrapbooking materials, my sister's boyfriend picked out the book, and his son (my sister's semi-stepson) created his own page full of pictures and stickers. We decided weeks ago my mom would bawl like a baby when she opened it. A week or two before Christmas, she commented on this to her boyfriend's 5-year old son who responded, with alarm: "why will Cappy (Cathy) cry?". My sister told him our mom would be crying happy tears, not sad tears. But the tears came far before Christmas morning, when my mom eventually opened (and cried over) her scrapbook. Christmas Eve, she had my sister and I open identical presents. Small, silver bracelets that read"Sisters are different flowers from the same garden". A few glasses of wine in, and obviously, we were a little emotional about it.

A few times in the past couple months, I've found myself crying for no particular reason. Usually, in the car when I have nothing but my thoughts to keep me company or when an emotional song hits me, juuuust right.

Example:

• Laughed Until We Cried by Jason Aldean

More Jason Aldean music on iLike

But a lot of the time, I'm just thinking about all the good right now: my family, my high school friends, my college friends, my Lawrence friends, my coworkers, my job. Life isn't perfect, but I'm living it. Everyday, I'm doing what I want. I'm enjoying what I have. I'm dating someone and trying not to freak out or do that thing women do. I'm just glad I get to spend time with someone I am so grateful to have met this year who also happens to be an incredible person. Other than that, I don't want to push it.

So, there's all this good stuff? And I'm appreciating what I DO have, opposed to lamenting what I DON'T. I think that's what us humans would call happiness. And I'm thrilled to be there! May you always cry more happy tears!

What my Dad's missed...

or, the past 6 months of my life. I haven't talked to my Dad since the end of March. The brief argument was silly but because of the challenges/issues we've had my whole life it's not something I'm going to let go of until we've figured it out and neither of us have attempted communication since then. I need to tell him how he's hurt me and how he's disappointed me. And then I'll tell him about my six extraordinarily, ridiculous 6 months:

I was in my first wedding. I went to two more weddings. I planned and was maid of honor for another wedding.

I moved twice. Once into a home of someone I barely knew. It worked out well.
It was an amazing and challenging summer, all at the same time. This summer gave me a different perspective on marriage, on kids, on life. Gave me the adult/parent version. I've shifted away from being the kid and shifted to being the adult.

I have an awesome new group of people I call friends here in the small city in which I live. I wouldn't have thought it to be such an important thing, but it has been. I needed the grown-up friends. Not just the people I still know from college. But I've also come to appreciate my friends from high school and college so much more. They know who I was at 15, at 18, at 22, at 24 (and it's surprisingly different And, sometimes, they know exactly what to say.

I dated someone who was actually closer in age to my dad than me. (I won't tell either of them that. Though, I may be tempted if either happens to piss me off anymore...) We ended up not knowing each other very well yet, or maybe because of, the way he ended it hurt. Actually, it made it ten times worse. (Let's just say I don't like things to be ambiguous. I'm big on honesty and knowing what the heck is going on.)

I was admitted to a graduate program. I completed my first class over the summer, despite all the drama listed above. I started my 2nd class. I realized, despite being almost 25, I am VERY different from 22-year olds, fresh out of their undergraduate experience.

A moved in with a complete stranger and it has turned out phenomenally well. I've had good/bad roommate situations, but this one is the most surprising.

I've been on the hunt for the perfect dog. Sammie should be joining the family next week!

I'll tell my Dad some of this, he doesn't need to know it all. It's been six months? Wow, life is moving fast.

*blogger only lets you use 10 tags. So in addition: weekend, women, men, puppy, harry potter, kansas, lawrence, hope, learning.... because life is full of everything.

Reason for the tears

Fried Green Tomatoes
"I found out what the secret to life is: friends. Best friends."
"A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same."

Love Actually
When Emma Thompson's character cries
The airport montage at the end

Garden State
The end, in the airport. (Apparently, really emotional things happen in the airport...)

"My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw

When I feel helpless or stupid.

Hallmark commercials.

When my sister is upset.

When my family makes me mad.

Working on a coherant thought

My sister turned 21 today so I was in my hometown for the weekend. Last night (early this morning) was a lot of fun but exhausting. Then I got to drive 4 hours home. In the snow. Basically, I'm a grumpy mess. Thankfully, I restarted Netflix and have episodes of Weeds to watch. I'll probably be asleep before the sun goes down. OH WAIT, it's COMPLETELY gray out today. Argh. A weekend with this much family time always deems necessary some reflection. So, I'm working on that. I was also able to enjoy some good conversation about the Iowa Supreme Court's decision to overrule a law banning gay marriage. Exciting! LOVE my home state :) Apparently, in addition to other great thing this does, it will help the Iowa economy - now a popular wedding destination!

Thank goodness for recaps because I forgot 4 out of 5 details of Weeds at the end of season two. This family is in SO many predicaments, it's ridiculous. My fave quote of the first episode:
"Looked a little young to be driving. But with all the preservatives people are eating nowadays, people are looking a lot younger."