Happy Tears

I was in 9th grade when my emotional sensibilities kicked in. We watched "The Odyssey" in my English literature course and when Odysseus' wife, Penelope, realizes her husband has returned after 17 long years away, I wept for them. Thankfully, the lights were off in the classroom and my silent tears went mostly unnoticed by my classmates. That same year, I watched "City of Angels". And Nicolas Cage's previously unfelt pain was like my pain. He gave up everything for Meg Ryan and then she was gone. I set next to my friend since Kindergarten, Caroline, as we both tried to hide our tears. Apparently, we were saps.

But I didn't get it from any stranger: graduations, particularly important birthdays, high school dances, meaningful Christmas gifts, "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart; all produce tears from my mother's eyes. My sister and I used to make fun of her, now we embrace it. Especially since we're usually right there with her. My sister decided to make my mom a scrapbook of family photos for christmas. She started in October. I contributed scrapbooking materials, my sister's boyfriend picked out the book, and his son (my sister's semi-stepson) created his own page full of pictures and stickers. We decided weeks ago my mom would bawl like a baby when she opened it. A week or two before Christmas, she commented on this to her boyfriend's 5-year old son who responded, with alarm: "why will Cappy (Cathy) cry?". My sister told him our mom would be crying happy tears, not sad tears. But the tears came far before Christmas morning, when my mom eventually opened (and cried over) her scrapbook. Christmas Eve, she had my sister and I open identical presents. Small, silver bracelets that read"Sisters are different flowers from the same garden". A few glasses of wine in, and obviously, we were a little emotional about it.

A few times in the past couple months, I've found myself crying for no particular reason. Usually, in the car when I have nothing but my thoughts to keep me company or when an emotional song hits me, juuuust right.

Example:

• Laughed Until We Cried by Jason Aldean

More Jason Aldean music on iLike

But a lot of the time, I'm just thinking about all the good right now: my family, my high school friends, my college friends, my Lawrence friends, my coworkers, my job. Life isn't perfect, but I'm living it. Everyday, I'm doing what I want. I'm enjoying what I have. I'm dating someone and trying not to freak out or do that thing women do. I'm just glad I get to spend time with someone I am so grateful to have met this year who also happens to be an incredible person. Other than that, I don't want to push it.

So, there's all this good stuff? And I'm appreciating what I DO have, opposed to lamenting what I DON'T. I think that's what us humans would call happiness. And I'm thrilled to be there! May you always cry more happy tears!

7 days to celebrate

At 330pm on Thursday, December 17, I emailed my final paper to the instructor for my grad class this semester. I felt that 50 pounds had been lifted off my shoulder. Grad school wasn't the worst idea/decision I made this year but it is definitely high on the list.

I could have used a drink that night after work but, having been knee deep in research regarding state funding of public universities, I realized I had 7 days left to get all my Christmas celebrating in. So Thursday night, I cleaned the house. My roommate and I had both been all over the place for about two weeks, so the place had been a little neglected. And I was having a guest over Friday night and thought it would be good hostessing to have the place at least LOOK clean. Friday at lunch I grabbed some wrapping paper and starter logs for my fireplace. (I ended up not needing the logs because, WEIRD, I had a GAS fireplace. Oops.) Thankfully, the man (did I mention I was having a dinner guest?!) did his thing and got the fireplace going without blowing us up. Phew.

Saturday I did some shopping, watched the KU men's basketball team win its 10th game of the year. I wasted time watching movies and re-watching the So You Think You Can Dance top 6 dances. Then I put pins in my hair, green shadow on my eyelids, gray pumps on my feet and went downtown to see a big band (18 pieces!) and drink rum and cokes (please, don't tell my dentist or periodontist!)
Today I actually worked out (for the first time since before thanksgiving), went to the grocery store and made ranchburgers.

Ohmygosh, I have free time and I'm actually getting stuff done?! And enjoying the weekend? This is what I miss out on when I'm worrying 95% of the time about grad school work.

So yeah, grad school. Officially un-enrolled. I withdrew. I'm a grad school drop out. I should still probably let the program director know, but details schmetails. I'm glad I tried it. I'm also glad that I recognize it's not something I can continue. I've had my fill of classroom learning. I want to get out there and do things. Not write 20-page papers about the crappy funding state universities receive.

So, now I appreciate my free time now. And my ability to seek opportunities outside of school. After this year, after what I've tried, where I failed, what I've gained, the people I've met... I'm sure both wonderful and important things will happen next year. And now, I'll have more time to savor it all.

Visuals

I got a new phone a few weeks ago and have loved using the camera (5 megapixels - not too shabby!) Here's a few I've taken.

I hate that it gets dark so early, but dusk is my favorite time of day.


Blurry, but a cool image.


On West Campus.

Me on pre-Thanksgiving date night.


Lawrence's Old-Fashioned Christmas Parade yesterday:


Some of the carriages are gorgeous:


It was a VERY chilly morning:


So I got a latte while I worked on my paper for class (LOVE Henry's on 8th!)


Some new art in my mom's bedroom.


KU's men's basketball team is playing at UCLA this afternoon (lucky them, bet it's 40 degrees warmer there) so I'm going over to my friend Ryan's house to watch the game. Should actually be a good game. The last team we beat by like 60 points- it's rough being the #1 team in the country! Rock Chalk!

Things I Like

"Should've Been a Cowboy" by Alan Jackson (favorite country song ever)

Music that puts me in a good mood (Single Ladies and Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy)

Flash Mobs (see below)

Sending emails to friends KNOWING it will make them laugh

Most of my coworkers (seriously, they're awesome people)

Being challenged at work (I'm putting a positive spin on things today)

Coffee dates

Talking about weddings (it's an addiction)

Finding out new things about myself with a little help from my friends

Cranberry Facts (ex. did you know when they harvest cranberries from a bog, they flood the field and scoop the cranberries that rise to the top?! And another one: people with darker skin develop frostbite more easily)

Knowing what's right and what's easy and doing the right thing even if you have to tell a friend "no" (How's that for cryptic!? ha)

and last, but certainly not least: FRIDAYS

flashmob AND Single Ladies, all rolled into one:

October goal

"My goal this month is to tell it how it is. No BS. No sugar-coating. I will not hold back because it makes anyone feel better or because I'm worried about what they'll think of me. I feel better already." (Yesterday's facebook status.)

I don't tell people how I feel. I act on it. Which, strangely enough, isn't as productive. I get this from my father (which is probably why neither of us has attempted to talk about our issues) but I know this isn't healthy. Makes me anxious and scatterbrained and uptight. Just by making this a goal, I'm going to feel better. I'll apologize when I need to and ask for apologies when they're deserved

I'm going to talk to my dad, not shy away from saying what I feel about a hurtful situation and tell a guy (the only one with any potential right now) that I think it sucks he lives 2 1/2 hours away.

Because, if I want things a certain way, I have to give it the chance to make it happen.

What my Dad's missed...

or, the past 6 months of my life. I haven't talked to my Dad since the end of March. The brief argument was silly but because of the challenges/issues we've had my whole life it's not something I'm going to let go of until we've figured it out and neither of us have attempted communication since then. I need to tell him how he's hurt me and how he's disappointed me. And then I'll tell him about my six extraordinarily, ridiculous 6 months:

I was in my first wedding. I went to two more weddings. I planned and was maid of honor for another wedding.

I moved twice. Once into a home of someone I barely knew. It worked out well.
It was an amazing and challenging summer, all at the same time. This summer gave me a different perspective on marriage, on kids, on life. Gave me the adult/parent version. I've shifted away from being the kid and shifted to being the adult.

I have an awesome new group of people I call friends here in the small city in which I live. I wouldn't have thought it to be such an important thing, but it has been. I needed the grown-up friends. Not just the people I still know from college. But I've also come to appreciate my friends from high school and college so much more. They know who I was at 15, at 18, at 22, at 24 (and it's surprisingly different And, sometimes, they know exactly what to say.

I dated someone who was actually closer in age to my dad than me. (I won't tell either of them that. Though, I may be tempted if either happens to piss me off anymore...) We ended up not knowing each other very well yet, or maybe because of, the way he ended it hurt. Actually, it made it ten times worse. (Let's just say I don't like things to be ambiguous. I'm big on honesty and knowing what the heck is going on.)

I was admitted to a graduate program. I completed my first class over the summer, despite all the drama listed above. I started my 2nd class. I realized, despite being almost 25, I am VERY different from 22-year olds, fresh out of their undergraduate experience.

A moved in with a complete stranger and it has turned out phenomenally well. I've had good/bad roommate situations, but this one is the most surprising.

I've been on the hunt for the perfect dog. Sammie should be joining the family next week!

I'll tell my Dad some of this, he doesn't need to know it all. It's been six months? Wow, life is moving fast.

*blogger only lets you use 10 tags. So in addition: weekend, women, men, puppy, harry potter, kansas, lawrence, hope, learning.... because life is full of everything.

Living your life online

Ah, the internet. Suck a fickle beast, no?

Let's start with a couple things you can read, do, see, track, monitor within your Google account. Lots, right? There's your blogger account. (ie THIS blog!) And you can keep track of all the blogs you "follow" through your dashboard. OR, you can use Google Reader. I've heard good things about the Reader although, I've just started exploring it. Can anyone tell me the reasons to use Reader instead of just tracking the blogs you follow through the Dashboard? I guess you can keep track of more than just blogs?!

I don't know who I heard mention this, but, through the use of Google Alerts, you can monitor your online presence. Enter your name as an alert and google will email you every time something new is out there on the internet with your name! I just set mine up. Hopefully, no one plans on writing anything bad about me because I WILL KNOW!

In addition to reading news or watching videos, you can also date online. I do have a profile (site to remain unnamed) it hasn't been that successful for me. But every so often I get the most bizarre messages. Here's one I got today.

"That's a lot of info packed into your profile. I guess you have a pretty good start on sounding like an interesting person to get to know (very cute smile by the way) Tell me something...what is there about you that would make me want to get to know you better?"

Besides it coming across as slightly RUDE, how the heck would you respond to this? Maybe HE should be giving ME a reason to respond. Argh. I still believe dating is dumb. Maybe because people are stupid and frustrating!