My alarm is my best friend

I woke up over an hour earlier than I usually do because the cats were rummaging around in my closet. After shooing them out, I realized my head and nose were stuffy. A cold? Welcome to Friday? So, I'm awake now, writing a blog post before I even go to work and hoping the coffee I brewed today is magic. And by magic, I mean laced with cold-killing drugs.

I honestly wish I was a person who woke up and could just spend time drinking coffee, eating a bowl of cereal and reading blogs while getting ready for work every morning instead of rushing around. I normally hit my alarm for well over 30 minutes. I just CAN'T wake up or get out of bed. I know I have to and it would be SO much easier if I had more than 30 minutes to get ready. But I can't.

Anyone have any tips? Besides just being late to work?

Happy Friday?

P.S. Is it just really cruel to be sick on a Friday? I have things to do this weekend! Final Fridays downtown, celebrating a friend's birthday, Band Day parade with the girl scout troop I volunteer for and roasting coffee beans!

give me a break technology!

My friend Erin's birthday surprise (cupcakes!) was almost ruined when I thought she was going to read the blog yesterday while in the car on the way to her birthday celebration! YES, the cupcakes were in the back seat of my car and YES they were creating a lovely, cupcake-y aroma.

How did she almost ruin it, you ask?! Stupid, stupid technology. I had tweeted about "blog vomiting" earlier in the evening and she asked if I had posted it and where. I responded "blogger" without thinking about the very, very smart android phone in her hand. I told her "don't look at it! it's a surprise!". She asked "why?" I responded "ooh, look it's lightening!" She wasn't distracted as I thought she would be but I was able to move the conversation away from the blog and the imminent cupcake surprise.

grr

I've worked hard for the past two years and I should be on top of everything. Paying the bills I need to, not bouncing any more checks, no more overdraft fees. But no. I had to get a car payment. Dental bills are out of control.

Things don't have to be perfect. And I don't need $5,000 in savings for any decorating whim or travel adventure I want.

But not having to worry about how to pay for the next tank of gas or "making it to pay day" is NOT where I thought I'd be two years out of school. I don't need everything.I just need enough.

/frustrated

Cupcakes and birthdays and tv and family and argghhh.

Friend Erin's birthday is today -she's off teaching a class- so it's okay for me to reveal that I'm making cupcakes to take when we go to The Sandbar for some drinks! It's a school/work night so hopefully, things don't get too crazy. Or maybe, I will just call in sick. KIDDING BOSS! I mean, I HAVE like 20 sick days stacked up (let's not even talk about my 33 vacation days) but who needs a day off work? Not THIS woman!

Work is nuts - new leadership and new initiatives are making our office a little crazy. We're kicking off lots of new things in the next few weeks and it will be interesting to see how they go. Plus we had someone leave and I've taken over 1/2 her job through the end of the year (at least). Which means an awesome raise and/or bonus, right?! HA! At a state job? You didn't think I was serious, did you?

For whatever reason, even though I had missed what I thought was a large chunk of last season's House, I had to watch the premiere.Because, oh em gee: Huddy. Those two crazy kids finally got together. Thankfully, my DVR had it scheduled to record because I watched the first 10 minutes another TWO times since last night. Romantic. And hot. Apparently, I'm a sucker for couples that don't get together right away. Takes them FOREVER to finally realize what the want is right there: Scully and Mulder. Josh and Donna. Love. It. And, considering this summer's events, kind of funny/ironic, too.

My grandma fell and broke her hip last Friday morning. I didn't know until Sunday afternoon. Over FORTY-EIGHT hours later. As her favorite grandchild, I was DISTURBED to find out anything had even happened due to my sister's Facebook status. That should not even be a fathomable sentence. Possibly the first time I've thought- hey, who needs this Facebook anyhow? (I just NOW had this thought... so we'll see.) She'll be fine and out of the hospital by the end of the week and really, she's probably still just mad that it even happened. She's firery like that. And sassy. Which in no way has rubbed off on her oldest (and did I mention favorite?!) grandchild.

I'd rather fold laundry

Tonight, I need to go home and call my dad. I have to ask him for $1,000. I have a ridiculous dental situation. Worst mix of genetics and happenstance I've ever known. And sadly, the once "who needs "$1700 a year in dental work" dental insurance is now far short of what I need (and the getting away so I can be independent has me paying back ridiculous out-of-state student loans on a salary from the place I earned that degree and that independence).

I've needed to call my dad since Sunday. He probably has the money. If he does, he'll give it to me. But I don't want to have the NEED to ask for it. A bit part of moving away and going to college and getting a job was to be INDEPENDENT. I've wanted to be independent since probably the age of 6 or 7 when I learned what the word meant.

I've had several things to do this week on my list. Might be the weather or just tasks I don't want to do but the remaining ones includes folding the 5 piles of laundry on my couch and calling my dad. I'm the kind of person who will do things I don't like doing before doing things I REALLY don't like doing.

I will probably fold the laundry first.

la la la lalala

Good weekend. Great weekend. Probably Top 10. Maybe Top 5?
Today was ridiculously lazy. Slept in. Watched the weirdest movie I've seen in awhile. (seriously, "You, Me And Everyone We Know" is the weirdest movie you will watch this year, I guarantee it). Made a trip to the grocery store looking fairly grungy (hey! I brushed my teeth) for eggs and bacon. Then made said eggs and bacon. And, you guessed it, had a delicious brunch. At 2:30 in the afternoon. That's what Sundays are for, right?

I've finally caught up on my google reader (there was some READ ALL use, sorry guys!) and I hope to be around more. I forgot how much I love the blogs of the people I read. You people are interesting! And it's a nice reminder that even someone I have never "met" is going through the same type of life trials that I am familiar with. It's life, huh?

In my catch ups, I've been trying to pay attention to people who have a twitter account. I'm trying to make a rockin' list of my favorite bloggers who tweet. Because if I like your blog, I bet you're just as funny/awesome in 140 characters. And I am an uber-twitter fan :)

www.twitter.com/bailann

Here I Am

Have you ever been to a place that just amazes you?

Maybe it's a place. For me, a physical place would be the mountains. I love a good view with mountains and trees and sky and space. But the ocean, too. Endless. And peaceful yet powerful.

But then there's another location, that if are truly amazed by, life seems brilliant and beautiful and limitless. It's that place, in your mind, where you've realized you have and are exactly what you want at this moment. It's not perfection. Nothing ever will be. But it's handling the imperfections the best you can. Smiling and laughing every chance you get.

I think it's the approaching fall that has me inspired and appreciating everything. Life seems more free, more in MY control. The summer heat always makes me feel trapped and immovable. Even just this brief cooler weather is a release. I can stretch more. Do more. Be capable of anything. Everything. It's a new beginning. For me this year, not really because of a new school semester. But a change in season means new goals and a new mindset. I can be whoever I want to be.

Not that I want to be a totally different person. This just seems to be the best time to make the changes I want. I truly believe you can make a concentrated effort to improve yourself every day - even if it's tiny and you're picking at a mountain with a spoon - but this season, it seems the changes I want can happen instantly.

So, I'm here at 25 years old, knowing how I got here but still blown away by what my life has brought me. It hasn't been easy, but that's made everything that much worthwhile. And I can't wait to see where else I go.

Summer '10

So, another summer going by way too quickly. And this bothers me even though:
a) I still work the same schedule. Damn, that whole "adult" thing.
b) I hate, hate HATE the Kansas summer, specifically, the humidity. Jetpack to September, please? October, since I'm wishing for things!

But it's been a fun summer. Float trips and camping and drinks on The Sandbar patio and staying up too late having some fun with a hilarious group of friends.

And perceptions have changed. It's surreal how the way you view someone can change so quickly. And as much as I believe in life happening based on the decisions you make, it's almost comforting to realize that people and events sometimes get in your way for a reason. A reason, you don't quite understand or know. Because sometimes you have to learn a few lessons before you can recognize something.

Happy summer.

He's just awkward

My sister and I realized a few weeks ago that our dad doesn't quite know what to do with us. We're grown up. I moved away, went to college and started a life in another state. My sister is practically a stay at home step-mom to a 5 year old (adorable) little boy. She's only 22. She and her boyfriend own a house with a cat and a dog. The last time I was home, I realized my dad is just totally awkward at her house. I don't think he love her boyfriend, but he certainly can't hate him. It's like he doesn't know what to do with two grown daughters. He still gives us money and will be coming to help me move next weekend. But he doesn't need to lecture us (not that he did much anyway) or try and keep us in line.  But he can't quite figure out how to be a Dad to two grown women.

I guess life is full of weird transition issues.

One last tear

Had The Conversation. 
Said what I wanted to say. Let him know how it hurt.

One last tear. A walk in the warm summer air. 
Apparently what doesn't kill you does make you stronger.

It didn't last long but it was still huge and important. And it feels good to have survived it.

And I will not cry anymore because it's over but smile because it happened and because I didn't hold anything back. I love that about me.

I will now interupt your lovely spring time with my EMOTIONS

I spent the second half of my commute (the whole 10 minutes of it) home today dissolving into a mess of tears.

Because sometimes life makes your heart swell
And then life cracks it a little bit
And then life tries to fix it, but the nail it's using to try and fix it makes it hurt a little bit more
And then you just feel heartbroken. About everything.

I don't think I was ready for change this year. Friends leaving physically, friends giving up emotionally, and an emotional roller coaster ride of "I don't know what to do about the thing that I can't do anything about".

I have a CLOSE friend who has been living in Japan since the middle of 2008 and I wasn't as emotional about her moving then as I am about things now. Maybe because I had just graduated from college and I was EXPECTING change. I understood it. I was in the middle of change of my own.

But now, movie trailers about a silly horse (ok, the IMPOSSIBLE true story) and the rain can make me cry without much resistance.

Today might also be the result of my freshman college roommate's wedding over the weekend. I didn't cry much - okay, I got a little teary-eyed - but just being around her family and the outpouring of LOVE that happens when, for 48 hours, you celebrate two people's LOVE for each other makes you (I mean me) a little more tender-hearted then usual. And TRUST me, I am pretty sure I was tender-hearted enough.

Cougars and beer pong and trying to be a professional

A friend from one of my very first classes in college posted this on his facebook this morning:

People in the office were discussing what "Cougar" means. They were all giving their definitions and decided to come to my office and ask me. After hearing my definition the boss said, "Alright, that's enough!"

It made me laugh because, as much as you think you've moved on past college, sometimes you are reminded that you are still closer to the college experience than anyone else in your office. 

Sometimes, just working on a college campus makes it tricky to be considered a "professional".

Student groups chalk all over the sidewalk about upcoming events, elections and keggers. Yes, they chalk about parties. One such chalking promoted a "beer pong tournament". An advisor down the hall wondered aloud what it was. Our office does skew young but for some reason, I was the only one willing to explain the setup, rules and purpose of beer pong: two sets of beer on a ping pong table, you bounce ping pong balls to the other side's cups, you make the pong in, the other team drinks, everyone gets drunk. 

A few weeks ago, I went to work a recruiting event on campus for high school juniors. HIGH. SCHOOL. JUNIORS. Granted, I was pretty casual this Friday and it had been rainy so I probably wasn't looking my best after my cross-campus trek, but the orientation coordinator told me "check-in starts at 9:30". Well, yes, check-in for the HIGH SCHOOL JUNIORS starts at 9:30 but I had to check in as a representative of college I work for. She was apologetic but I just smiled and started to set up my table of flyers promoting the many degree options we offer. 

Recently, a few of us in our mid-twenties were talking about our job and how people don't respect our authority simply because we still "look like a student". It is nice though when "someone with more authority" tells them the exact same thing.

Anyone else still look like a student when they aren't anymore?

spring

me

scorpio, from mythology: The battle ended in Orion's death and Zeus put the scorpion in the heavens as a constellation to remind us to be humble.

Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people. (Introverts make up about 60% of the gifted population but only about 25-40% of the general population.)


My strengths (from Gallup):
People strong in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.

People strong in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

People strong in the Belief theme have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for their life.

People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others' lives or others' situations.

People strong in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it. 

I keep meaning to do a more thorough entry on each one of my strengths and what they mean to me. Not only individually but as a whole as well. We completed the StrengthsQuest through my office at work and I was surprised how much it made sense. It made me value (hey BELIEF) certain things and ways I act different, which I appreciated (hey INDIVIDUALIZATION).

It's impossible to get a true snapshot of who someone is through any test but I appreciate my Strengths giving an overview of why I act the way I do.

The chains of destiny

"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time." -Winston Churchill

I may have mentioned before that I don't currently have a plan as to what I want to do in the future. I'm living in the now. Not planning my days or goals because of what I want in two years. Or four years. I'm working, I'm laughing and enjoying my life. But recently I've been consumed about what I want to happen in the future. Things that I can't control. Things that are, without question, a part of my destiny. Now, I do have control of my destiny. But some things you don't have the ability to control or change yet. 


But I'm impatient. And I feel like I should have some control. I should be able to know. It's my life, right?

Monday Musings

I don't even know what happened at KC's Country Club Plaza Saturday night.There seem to be details I'm missing. Or, I've heard the whole story and it's just that inexplicable. Interesting though, that it was teenagers using Twitter and Facebook to organize. But WHY is the big questions. Just weird.

Since both Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep showed up in my dream last night, I'm going to be in their next movie, right? RIGHT?! Or, maybe a sign I should rent "It's Complicated".


My back and shoulders are aching because of the first day of softball yesterday. A double header is not a good way to start the season. But it was fun and the weather was gorgeous! Now if I could only stop embarrassing myself by slipping on first base, I'd be good. But speaking of softball, a letter, to the girl playing with mono:

Dear girl with mono playing softball,
If you really have mono (still skeptical) kudos for you for getting out there. But PLEASE don't complain about our pitcher tagging you out with his glove on your hip where it could have ruptured your spleen. Because 1) he didn't tag you that hard and 2) you're PLAYING SOFTBALL in 75 degree weather and running and swinging. I think your spleen has other issues than a tag out.
If you really don't have mono, please stop pretending you do. Other than that, I have no comment because it's just sad to lie about being sick.

You're lucky I didn't step on you when you were laying on the base I was trying to get to,
Bailey


EDIT: Don't wear heals when you're sore from softball. It's just silly.

Change

It's easy to struggle with change. Human beings prefer patterns and predictability. I'm working on a post that involves change and perspective and people and personal strengths. I'm a little disappointed I didn't get it done today but I was outside enjoying the weather.

But these are the two quotes that have got me thinking about the in-progress post. Garden State is my all time favorite movie (much do to the quote listed before) and the Miranda Lambert lyrics just really made an impact.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healin'
Out here it's like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave
Won't take nothin' but a memory from the house that built me

"The House That Built Me" - Miranda Lambert

You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and 
it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel 
homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite 
of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you 
create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the
 family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I 
miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A 
group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
-Andrew in "Garden State" 

confidence vs. self-esteem

Walking with a friend recently, we were discussing the latest in our lives: family illnesses, friends and our current dating situations.

She's recently made it "official" with the guy she's dating. I can tell he is making her happy but what I love about her is that as happy as she is right now with him, she doesn't know -or is worrying- about what will happen in their future (which is how dating should be- getting to know someone in the now).

What gets me is her not quite believing she deserves him: "of course you do" I responded. She went on to explain that the feeling comes from her low self-esteem. As she explained further, I thought about myself in regards to working hard, being the good person I think I am and what I deserve. Generally, I think I do deserve the things I work hard for and the relationships (of any kind) that I build. But my problem, I told to my walking buddy, is my confidence. And there, I realized, confidence and self-esteem, while two very similar things, are still very distinct in how they alter our behavior.

My cofidence deficiency means I often question my ability in almost everything: work, dating, general social interactions... It has become better since getting through college and adjusting to my job but it's always still there...just a little bit. It's particularly noticable when I have a falling out with people because "what did I do"? After the initial hurt, frustration and debate with myself, my self-esteem kicks in: these friends weren't actually that important in my life -or- we've parted ways  so I can bring people who will have a greater impact on who I am and what I do. Because why spend time on people who don't give a crap about you?

So there we were, my friend with her too-low self-esteem doubting whether she deserved certain things in her life, and me doubting what I could actually accomplish. Thank goodness we have each other to set the other one straight.

Things to Share

Real intimacy, in short, brings up our unfinished business-- all the rough spots in ourselves and in our partner that still need to be polished, refined, and further developed.
-Thanks to Your Ill-fitting Overcoat


Hell for a Geek.


I solemnly swear I'm up to no good.

Can I start this over?

Downside of today:
I couldn't get into my car because the keypad stopped working (and no, the key doesn't work either, don't ask).
I have lost my ability to get faculty members to do what I want when it comes to advising students. I'd like that back please.

Upside of today:
I started a new bank account (fresh start, people, fresh start!)
I got my teeth clean (and while they are sensitive) they feel really good!
I have great friends who are willing to rush to my side at a moment's notice to help. FIVE of them were willing to help me out this morning! In the rain! On a Monday morning! <3
It is Margarita Monday and I'm going to have like 5 (because I won't be able to drink for the next 28 days- also a downside, I guess).