The Bliss of Laugher

@laughing_bones suggested I blog about what made me laugh today (when I complained I didn't know what to blog about a few minutes ago). I know I laughed but nothing particularly note- (or blog-) worthy that I can recall.

But it did remind me of how I'm "Finding Bliss". I won't lie, I was uptight and worried a lot when I was in high school and definitely in college. I worried that I wasn't doing the right thing and that people didn't like me or I was making a fool out of my self. I still do sometimes but I know that worrying can overcome the fun and enjoyment in life. Worrying about the person you irritates you isn't going to let me laugh more. Or have a good day.

So, I won't waste time on people who are rude. Who are irritating. Who feel the need to analyze and complain ALL. THE. TIME. I'm all for complaining and letting off a little steam but I am aware of myself now when doing this and I hope to limit how much of it I do.

Because I'd rather laugh. 

Piece of Me

1. "You can do anything. But you can't do everything." - David Allen (found via sunshine and wine)

It drives me crazy not to be caught up on what's in my Google Reader but I keep adding so many blogs to it (you people are hilarious!) there are usually at least 400 unread items. Sometimes, like when my laptop stops working, it reads 1,000+ and I can hardly handle the stress. I have the same problem with work and personal email. I will read it and deal with it later (or forget it exists).

2. "I watch you spin around in the highest heels / You are the best one, of the best ones -Dashboard Confessional

Delicious is my new favorite tool. I use it to bookmark lyrics of amazing new songs that catch my interest on my Pandora Ray LaMontagne station, recipes, or laugh-out-loud-and-your-coworkers-probably-think-your-crazy blog entries by fun new bloggers you've found (like Marie Antoinette).

3. "Please forgive me if I act a little strange / feels like lightning running through my veins" - David Gray

I hate not having a solution. Especially when it involves other people. But right now, we're at a stand still. And my heart is aching because of it. I can't let go but it's not happening right now. I hate the phrase "wait and see" but I guess we'll have to.

What my Dad's missed...

or, the past 6 months of my life. I haven't talked to my Dad since the end of March. The brief argument was silly but because of the challenges/issues we've had my whole life it's not something I'm going to let go of until we've figured it out and neither of us have attempted communication since then. I need to tell him how he's hurt me and how he's disappointed me. And then I'll tell him about my six extraordinarily, ridiculous 6 months:

I was in my first wedding. I went to two more weddings. I planned and was maid of honor for another wedding.

I moved twice. Once into a home of someone I barely knew. It worked out well.
It was an amazing and challenging summer, all at the same time. This summer gave me a different perspective on marriage, on kids, on life. Gave me the adult/parent version. I've shifted away from being the kid and shifted to being the adult.

I have an awesome new group of people I call friends here in the small city in which I live. I wouldn't have thought it to be such an important thing, but it has been. I needed the grown-up friends. Not just the people I still know from college. But I've also come to appreciate my friends from high school and college so much more. They know who I was at 15, at 18, at 22, at 24 (and it's surprisingly different And, sometimes, they know exactly what to say.

I dated someone who was actually closer in age to my dad than me. (I won't tell either of them that. Though, I may be tempted if either happens to piss me off anymore...) We ended up not knowing each other very well yet, or maybe because of, the way he ended it hurt. Actually, it made it ten times worse. (Let's just say I don't like things to be ambiguous. I'm big on honesty and knowing what the heck is going on.)

I was admitted to a graduate program. I completed my first class over the summer, despite all the drama listed above. I started my 2nd class. I realized, despite being almost 25, I am VERY different from 22-year olds, fresh out of their undergraduate experience.

A moved in with a complete stranger and it has turned out phenomenally well. I've had good/bad roommate situations, but this one is the most surprising.

I've been on the hunt for the perfect dog. Sammie should be joining the family next week!

I'll tell my Dad some of this, he doesn't need to know it all. It's been six months? Wow, life is moving fast.

*blogger only lets you use 10 tags. So in addition: weekend, women, men, puppy, harry potter, kansas, lawrence, hope, learning.... because life is full of everything.

The Good Girl

Found a post about the book "The Curse of the Good Girl" on The Scholastic Scribe's blog.
An excerpt from the book:
"Taught to value niceness over honesty, perfection over growth, and modesty over authentic self expression," Simmons says, "girls are locked into a battle with a version of themselves they can never attain. Their internal resources are drained by the energy and ruthless self-evaluation required to live up to this impossible set of personal standards."

I hate being wrong. I hate doing the wrong thing and sometimes I hate the way I act. Simply, because, I am The Good Girl.

Sometimes, I've wondered if I've been selfish in the way I've acted over the past few years. But I've really just been pushing myself to attain an "impossible set of personal standards". And I have to wonder if personal relationships have lacked because of this. Completely opening myself up to someone means they know my flaws and my inadequacies. A handful of people do know my weaknesses but I know they love me anyway. We've talked about them. Talked about my other relationships and how I behave because of what I've experienced in my life. This is actually quite comforting. I guess expressing yourself honestly usually is. But making the conscious effort to reveal yourself that way? Just another opportunity for failure. An opportunity for people to see you as you ARE, not how you WANT to be. Mistakes are okay, they are a part of life. I know this. I just cannot quite make myself comfortable with making them.

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." Oscar Wilde



And lyrics that, for today, say exactly what I feel.

"Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself"

Foolish Games by Jewel

my movie persona

Well, that's it. I've decided. If my ridiculous (romantic) life was reflected in one story line, it would be Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility. I've never read the book (I have heard it is not Jane Austen's best) but the movie is delightful (and star-studded - but that is another post!)

The gray area. The unclear signals. The awkward expectations. The unknown feelings. The constant doubt. What's he REALLY thinking?

*sigh* I wish this were easier. Right, like that's going to happen.

So, my plan now is to take my friend Megan's advice. She didn't even have to give it this time, I just knew this is what she would say: "Just make out with him!"

Well, ok.

edit: as I was looking for a lovely photograph to accompany this post, I found a quiz: Which Jane Austen character are you? Apparently, it thinks I'm Marianne Dashwood.

Take the Quiz here!

I changed a couple answers to questions I was on the line about and got Elinor.

Take the Quiz here!