7 days to celebrate

At 330pm on Thursday, December 17, I emailed my final paper to the instructor for my grad class this semester. I felt that 50 pounds had been lifted off my shoulder. Grad school wasn't the worst idea/decision I made this year but it is definitely high on the list.

I could have used a drink that night after work but, having been knee deep in research regarding state funding of public universities, I realized I had 7 days left to get all my Christmas celebrating in. So Thursday night, I cleaned the house. My roommate and I had both been all over the place for about two weeks, so the place had been a little neglected. And I was having a guest over Friday night and thought it would be good hostessing to have the place at least LOOK clean. Friday at lunch I grabbed some wrapping paper and starter logs for my fireplace. (I ended up not needing the logs because, WEIRD, I had a GAS fireplace. Oops.) Thankfully, the man (did I mention I was having a dinner guest?!) did his thing and got the fireplace going without blowing us up. Phew.

Saturday I did some shopping, watched the KU men's basketball team win its 10th game of the year. I wasted time watching movies and re-watching the So You Think You Can Dance top 6 dances. Then I put pins in my hair, green shadow on my eyelids, gray pumps on my feet and went downtown to see a big band (18 pieces!) and drink rum and cokes (please, don't tell my dentist or periodontist!)
Today I actually worked out (for the first time since before thanksgiving), went to the grocery store and made ranchburgers.

Ohmygosh, I have free time and I'm actually getting stuff done?! And enjoying the weekend? This is what I miss out on when I'm worrying 95% of the time about grad school work.

So yeah, grad school. Officially un-enrolled. I withdrew. I'm a grad school drop out. I should still probably let the program director know, but details schmetails. I'm glad I tried it. I'm also glad that I recognize it's not something I can continue. I've had my fill of classroom learning. I want to get out there and do things. Not write 20-page papers about the crappy funding state universities receive.

So, now I appreciate my free time now. And my ability to seek opportunities outside of school. After this year, after what I've tried, where I failed, what I've gained, the people I've met... I'm sure both wonderful and important things will happen next year. And now, I'll have more time to savor it all.

In a perfect world

Briana: When we have our own event planning company, our hours won't start until 10 AM (because of all of the late night events we'll have of course) but we'll aim to be at the gym together by 8 AM to exercise and get coffee. (at least in my head :) )
And every night a certain someone will sing me this song:


In a perfect world. I think I'll work on it.

But right now, I took the day off from work so I could work on my paper due for class on Thursday. So, I should probably actually do some writing.

December 9 Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?

So, a few days late. But I'm really just being picky and choosy with this "best of 2009 blog thing". Sorry, I'm not yet a dedicated blogger!

What I learned? Sometimes you just judge people totally the wrong way and you make bad decisions. And even though you know (deep down) it's a bad decision you throw in some make-believe and it's the best thing ever. Then it changes. But you know what? The best thing about me, is that I learned from it. That I can appreciate new people for who they are and what they mean to me because you've seen your mistakes. And this is different. This is me, growing.

And then you laugh about it. And that feels REALLY good.


Also, on a completely unrelated note, is it wrong to "favorite your own tweets"? Because I've done that twice this week...

Visuals

I got a new phone a few weeks ago and have loved using the camera (5 megapixels - not too shabby!) Here's a few I've taken.

I hate that it gets dark so early, but dusk is my favorite time of day.


Blurry, but a cool image.


On West Campus.

Me on pre-Thanksgiving date night.


Lawrence's Old-Fashioned Christmas Parade yesterday:


Some of the carriages are gorgeous:


It was a VERY chilly morning:


So I got a latte while I worked on my paper for class (LOVE Henry's on 8th!)


Some new art in my mom's bedroom.


KU's men's basketball team is playing at UCLA this afternoon (lucky them, bet it's 40 degrees warmer there) so I'm going over to my friend Ryan's house to watch the game. Should actually be a good game. The last team we beat by like 60 points- it's rough being the #1 team in the country! Rock Chalk!

Coffee Shop Thoughts

Lawrence has no shortcomings when it comes to coffeeshops. And I've been to 3 today. I'm working on my paper for my ridiculous grad class. (But that's a whole other topic!)

I had to pick a current issue in higher education and write about the topic generally and how it applies to the school I profiled for my midterm (University of Iowa - Go Hawks!) The topic I picked was state funding of public higher education institutions. This, if you haven't been paying attention, has declined drastically in the past 10-15 years and is clearly an important issue surrounding state budgets currently (see: UC system, University of Kansas). I've had some good, current information to use, not that I've enjoyed writing any more, but the discovery of information part is nice.

The biggest problem with funding (and I'm generalizing here), even after a 12% cut for fiscal year 2010, is that revenues for the state are not at what were projected when the budget was created. So, more cuts necessary. But my thoughts about revenue, made me think about taxes (hopefully, increasing taxes, or cutting previously implemented tax breaks will be the next route, not cutting more spending) and how much more of the money I pay in taxes (from my pay check) goes towards the federal taxes and not state taxes. Which made me think: "if only we could distribute more money towards the state budget, rather than federal budget. Which, inevitably made me think "why can't we CHOOSE where our tax money goes?" (I guess that's what our elected officials do, but clearly THAT isn't working out great!) Not a completely brand new idea, I'm sure, but WHAT IF?! Unless there was a great threat that called for an act of war (imagine post-Septemeber 11), who would CHOOSE for their tax dollars to go towards a war? There are clearly MANY problems with this idea, but it's kind of nice to think about. Because if my state and federal governments are going to take the hundreds of dollars they do every month, I'd like it to go towards funding education at ALL levels- that should NEVER be cut. But that's just me.

Now, if only I could pump out words for my paper as quickly as I did for this blog entry.

take a look

Peter DeWolf is a writer with a blog. He shares personal stories and short stories and poems.

Some of what he writes just really sticks. Like this one.

Also, this line from a recent blog entry:

"He loves vagueness in writing, but not in life."

Nothing has ever seemed more true.

I love finding words that I've never before read yet understand completely.

words to save/or

~Live Simply * Love Generously * Care Deeply * Speak Kindly~

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

On second thought...

This past week, I came to a realization. I don't LIKE my graduate program. Let me tell you, this is a very unsettling thing to realize. I thought about doing this higher education admin program before I even left undergrad, but the thought of my student loans from my out of state tuition gave me good reason to find a job that paid more than $9 an hour. So a few months after graduation, I was hired for my current job. I found out that I could take one class a semester and have it paid for by my current employer? Great, right?

Being a goal-minded person, I looked into the higher education admin program because, well, that's pretty much what I was doing and why the heck not get a master's degree? I applied this past February, was admitted and took my first elective over the summer. It was a tad overwhelming, simply due to the fast paced nature of the summer class and because I was super busy with other things in my life. But I survived, and they didn't kick me out, so I continued this fall.

I realized last week that my loans would not be deferred because I was a student again - shoot! It dawned on me that I was only tolerating the work because it made my budget easier to handle (that happens when you don't have to pay your student loans) and that is probably the WORST reason to be in school. A coworker said she had so much more fun in grad school than as an undergrad. I stared at her in disbelief. Granted, I'm working full-time and doing school part-time, but I don't think grad school is something you do because you "should" but because you "want" to. I also realized, I don't think advising/working at a university is something I'll do forever. I like it now, but I sometimes think I would like to go back to my j-school degree and do the marketing thing. But who knows what will happen. That's the exciting part, right?! I do know, another coworker went through the same grad program and she said it only goes down hill from the class I'm in now. And she completed it full-time, which took 2 years. We both are that rare post-undergrad that ENJOYS working opposed to missing the life of a college student and constant classwork. So, I'm taking her thoughts on the program very seriously. She still feels that, 6 months later, she's recovering from being in the program.

What I really would like to change about my life is the amount of income I have. I don't want to change my job - I genuinely enjoy it and the people I work with. I would like to explore new things and take risks. And if I have 10 hours a week to work on a class I don't like, what if I spent that time doing what I enjoy and in which I find value? Life, I think, would be that much greater. There have been people in my life recently who, in the way they act and think about the way they live there life, have influenced the importance I put on how I spend my life. It's a great lesson to learn and to apply in life.

As logical as this grad program is, I just don't think my heart is in it. And I've learned enough in a few years that our time should only be spent with people and doing things that we love. Why would I deny myself that?

Thought for the week:
"God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you
NEED: To help you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be." - unknown

An Award!

Life is a little out of control. But I'm living it and loving it. But I would like to do a better job at sharing and expressing what's going on in my life. That being said, I received my first blogging award over TWO months ago and I have yet to pass it on. A true blog fail, indeed. So, I'm rededicating myself to sharing my life with all the people who read this. All 6 of you!


Rebecca, from Living a Life of Writing, had bestowed upon me the Superior Scribbler Award. That in itself is exciting but let me tell you, I am in some impressive company! I'm a fan of this description of the award: What is a Superior Scribbler? One who employs mad skillz to communicate in this crazy, crazy world. Who pontificates, explains, memorializes & entertains. Who has a funny bone & is not afraid to use it. Whose cyber-crib we return to again & again, because it just feels right.
The Super Scribbler

1. Each Superior Scribbler, must in turn, pass the Award on to 5 most-deserving bloggy buds.

2. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author and name of the blog from whom he/she has received the Award.

3. Each Superior Scribbler must display the Award on his/her blog and link to this post which explains the Award.

4. Each blogger who wins the Award must visit this post and add his or her name to the Mr. Linky List at the Scholastic-Scribe's blog. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who wins this prestigious Award!

5. Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

Here are my Superior Scribblers:

1. Carolina Girl... because, even though we've never met, I'm pretty sure it would be great fun to have drinks with her!

2. Lauren Nicole Love... because Lauren created the fabulous image that I used in my blog header (thanks AGAIN by the way!) And she posts lots of pretty pictures and words and things. :)

3. Yellaphant... just because Bridget has no filter and it's fantastic.

4. Around the Way Girl (or Girl From Around the Way...? blogging issues, yuck!) Anna covers books and fashion and pretty pictures. It's great fun!

5. Places With Character Duta chronicles the interesting places she's been and her life in Israel. I love learning about different places.

yeah, we're gonna let it slide

my absolute favorite songs. (i will probably continue to add to this list... and make a killer playlist)

slide - goo goo dolls (all time favorite EVER)*
wedding day - rosie thomas
hey there delilah - plain white t's
she ain't right - lee brice
wasted - carrie underwood
best of you - foo fighters*
the luckiest - ben folds
want to - sugarland*
arms of a woman - amos lee
hey jude -beatles*
i need you - tim mcgraw and faith hill
vindicated - dashboard confessional
criminal -fiona apple
unchained melody - elvis
i can't stop lovin' you - keith urban
colorblind - counting crows
wind beneath my wings - bette midler
tiny dancer - elton john (or tony danza.... ha)
cowboy take me away - dixie chicks
wonderwall - oasis*
turn me on - norah jones*
time of my life - green day*
tonight, tonight - smashing pumpkins
landslide - fleetwood mac*
i've got friends in low places - garth brooks
undone (the sweater song) - weezer
georgia on my mind - ray charles
don't stop believin' - journey*
should've been a cowboy - alan jackson*
you give me something - james morrison
dear joan - rob thomas
both sides now - joni mitchell

edited later to add:
mrs. robinson - simon & garfunkel

edited to * top 10 favorites

life

It's hard, this thing called life. It doesn't make sense most of the time. There are fantastic feelings, amazing experiences and incredible people. But it still doesn't make sense. Be warm and happy and enjoying dinner and wine with friends one evening. And in the back of your mind thinking about this new, exciting possibility with someone you're getting to know. And life is good at this moment. Because it's unknown and full of potential. And the next morning. Well, the next morning you read something. And you have no idea what it's about but your project. You project your worst thoughts and fears on this and imagine the worst possibility. Except, even that worst possibility shouldn't have an affect on you. But that small bubble of regret or loathing bubbles up within you and pushes out all the warm and happy feelings you had from the night before. And it seems worse because you don't want this to matter anymore. You don't want to care. But that's why life doesn't make any sense. Because there's always a disconnect between what you think about a situation and what you feel. And it doesn't make any sense. You just have to hope you slowly learn to focus on the warm and positive moments.

sick day

After waking up briefly to call in sick, I stayed in bed until noon.

I watched Milk today for the first time. What an incredible story and movie. Sean Penn's Oscar was certainly well-deserved.

I watched Ms. Pettigrew Lives for A Day. A zany movie, for sure. But also endearing.

Now I'm watching the end of Nights in Rodanthe. Let's just say, I would appreciate a sexy pen pal who says asks things like "Who keeps you safe"? Damn you movies, damn you.

I made some instant potato soup, not really something I would recommend. Though, I may have read the instructions wrong...

I'll probably be in bed by 8. I hate being sick, by sick days are rather amazing.

? of the day, via J. Mraz

http://twitter.com/jason_mraz/status/5236198545

Thoughts on getting (flu) vaccinated

I'm a generally healthy person. I usually get sick once a year for a couple days and, if anything, under medicate myself in the process. Thanks to a roommate a couple years ago, I'm better about taking medicine (it helps!) but I'm not so quick to turn to nyquill, etc.

I'm sure I've had the flu, but I've never (in my memory - help mom!) had a flu shot. The flu, if you have been living under a rock *ahem* I mean if you have not been paying attention, is kind of a big deal this year. For the next 2 weeks, I am still in one of the "priority groups" and am eligible for the H1N1 vaccination. Children and young adults, 24 and under, in addition to pregnant women are encouraged to get the shot.

So, I should definitely get one, right? I do not know.

There has been a lot of discussion in my workplace about getting the vaccination. There are 2 of us in the priority group for the vaccine and there are a couple people encouraging us to get it. They believe we should get get the shot so we don't bring the virus to people in the office who are not yet eligible for the vaccine when we ourselves could have been vaccinated and prevented it from spreading. Logical, yes?

I DO work with a lot of students in their early twenties who are more able to spread the virus like wildfire (ie dorms, apartments, etc).

BUT, if there are limited vaccines available, shouldn't it go to someone who is more at risk for complication to occur if they were to contract the virus?

ignoring perfection

"You have a yearning for perfection"

Thank you, fortune cookie fortune for telling me what I already know.

But it knowing that and accepting that as a flaw in one's own character, seemingly, I have gotten past perfection?

Past everything working out just the way I want (and imagine) it to be.

Because I don't know what will happen.

I'll just have today and tomorrow to work at it and make the decisions that are mine.

And the mistakes that are mine.

Things I Like

"Should've Been a Cowboy" by Alan Jackson (favorite country song ever)

Music that puts me in a good mood (Single Ladies and Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy)

Flash Mobs (see below)

Sending emails to friends KNOWING it will make them laugh

Most of my coworkers (seriously, they're awesome people)

Being challenged at work (I'm putting a positive spin on things today)

Coffee dates

Talking about weddings (it's an addiction)

Finding out new things about myself with a little help from my friends

Cranberry Facts (ex. did you know when they harvest cranberries from a bog, they flood the field and scoop the cranberries that rise to the top?! And another one: people with darker skin develop frostbite more easily)

Knowing what's right and what's easy and doing the right thing even if you have to tell a friend "no" (How's that for cryptic!? ha)

and last, but certainly not least: FRIDAYS

flashmob AND Single Ladies, all rolled into one:

October goal

"My goal this month is to tell it how it is. No BS. No sugar-coating. I will not hold back because it makes anyone feel better or because I'm worried about what they'll think of me. I feel better already." (Yesterday's facebook status.)

I don't tell people how I feel. I act on it. Which, strangely enough, isn't as productive. I get this from my father (which is probably why neither of us has attempted to talk about our issues) but I know this isn't healthy. Makes me anxious and scatterbrained and uptight. Just by making this a goal, I'm going to feel better. I'll apologize when I need to and ask for apologies when they're deserved

I'm going to talk to my dad, not shy away from saying what I feel about a hurtful situation and tell a guy (the only one with any potential right now) that I think it sucks he lives 2 1/2 hours away.

Because, if I want things a certain way, I have to give it the chance to make it happen.

What my Dad's missed...

or, the past 6 months of my life. I haven't talked to my Dad since the end of March. The brief argument was silly but because of the challenges/issues we've had my whole life it's not something I'm going to let go of until we've figured it out and neither of us have attempted communication since then. I need to tell him how he's hurt me and how he's disappointed me. And then I'll tell him about my six extraordinarily, ridiculous 6 months:

I was in my first wedding. I went to two more weddings. I planned and was maid of honor for another wedding.

I moved twice. Once into a home of someone I barely knew. It worked out well.
It was an amazing and challenging summer, all at the same time. This summer gave me a different perspective on marriage, on kids, on life. Gave me the adult/parent version. I've shifted away from being the kid and shifted to being the adult.

I have an awesome new group of people I call friends here in the small city in which I live. I wouldn't have thought it to be such an important thing, but it has been. I needed the grown-up friends. Not just the people I still know from college. But I've also come to appreciate my friends from high school and college so much more. They know who I was at 15, at 18, at 22, at 24 (and it's surprisingly different And, sometimes, they know exactly what to say.

I dated someone who was actually closer in age to my dad than me. (I won't tell either of them that. Though, I may be tempted if either happens to piss me off anymore...) We ended up not knowing each other very well yet, or maybe because of, the way he ended it hurt. Actually, it made it ten times worse. (Let's just say I don't like things to be ambiguous. I'm big on honesty and knowing what the heck is going on.)

I was admitted to a graduate program. I completed my first class over the summer, despite all the drama listed above. I started my 2nd class. I realized, despite being almost 25, I am VERY different from 22-year olds, fresh out of their undergraduate experience.

A moved in with a complete stranger and it has turned out phenomenally well. I've had good/bad roommate situations, but this one is the most surprising.

I've been on the hunt for the perfect dog. Sammie should be joining the family next week!

I'll tell my Dad some of this, he doesn't need to know it all. It's been six months? Wow, life is moving fast.

*blogger only lets you use 10 tags. So in addition: weekend, women, men, puppy, harry potter, kansas, lawrence, hope, learning.... because life is full of everything.

even angels fall

You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
Even angels fall
_________

I didn't win the lottery over the weekend. Not that winning would have solved my pressing problems this week, but it certainly would have lifted my spirits!

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

Maybe This Time from Cabaret

Maybe this time, I'll be lucky
Maybe this time, he'll stay
Maybe this time
For the first time
Love won't hurry away

He will hold me fast
I'll be home at last
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time
And the time before

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me;
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me;
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time
Maybe this time I'll win