Would you want to Flash Forward?

New episodes of Flash Forward have returned and although it is a little tedious watching, there is something extremely compelling to this show.  Everyone in the world (with the exception of a few shady characters) blacks out for about 7 minutes. During this time, each person experiences what they will be doing at a certain time, months in the future. Those with no vision, discover they'll be dead (or sleeping, in my mind?!) One character sees a return to alcoholism. Another has a life with a man who is not her husband in the present. Some visions are not always negative. Someone discovers she will be pregnant in the future, another is getting married.

While the overall story is trying to figure out who cause the blackout, each and every individual must figure out how to act because of what they see in the future. Some people want what they see in their future, some people are doing everything they can to avoid it.

The interesting thing is, despite people being shown what they're future is, some are still fighting against what they're seeing. But is what they're seeing they're fate? What they can't change? Maybe by seeing their "future" it is actually putting into motion a series of events that WILL cause what they see to happen.

Fate versus free will is such a complex discussion because you can never really prove anything, one way or another, can you? We can't say, okay, let's go back 10 years and change one decision and see if something else happens? Or does what happens stay the same? Can one flap of a butterfly's wings really have an impact across the world?

I'm not one to believe that where I am now, was pre-destined when I was born. Decisions were made- by my parents, my family, my teachers, my friends- that shaped me to be the person I am right now and how I in turn treat people and shape people just be interacting with them.

I know how I came to be in Lawrence, KS. In 8th grade, I decided I wanted to write for a newspaper. So, I joined my high school newspaper, did extracurricular activities to make sure I had good application for college, researched J-Schools, listened to my mom's friends input about KU's J-School, requested information about KU, fell in love with the viewbook they sent me, visited, listened to my mom about how KU seemed like a better fit for me than MU after I visited both (it helped that tuition was lower, too). I switched from News and Info, when I got to KU, to Strategic Communications because I wanted to be an advocate (for something worthwhile) rather than being an objective reporter. Oh, and in all likely hood, it would pay better...

So, I believe the decisions I made, the values I hold in my life, led me to where I am today. But right now, there's something I have to count on fate for. Once your life intertwines with others, things become even more complicated. When dating someone, and you throw in a few life changes and a few hours distance, you sometimes simply have to wait and see what happens in the next four months. Unfortunately, I get antsy when I have to be patient (if only I could catch a glimpse of this part of my life - would be helpful in current decisions on how to proceed).

So fate, please be kind to me with this. I haven't always believed in you, but I sure could use your help on this.

restraint, respect and consideration

I knew I liked Canada!

March Sadness

Being a college basketball fan almost guarantees sadness at the end of the season. Because you always want your team to win the big dance. And MOST years, that doesn't happen. But THIS year, KU fans had high expectations. And a team from my home state crushed those expectations. Hard. UNI simply played better.

My only consolation is that 47% of the brackets filled out on espn.com had KU winning the whole thing. That's something like 2 million brackets. Trust me when I say most of those are NOT KU fans. That's a whole lot of busted brackets.

Rock Chalk and yours in true March Sadness,
Bailey

I don't mean to sound morbid...

...but as a single woman, I've decided I'm glad I have people knowing what I'm doing. Facebook, Twitter, and the dreaded check-in services (personally, I'm a fan of Whrrl).

I've heard arguments that (especially as a single woman) these sites are dangerous. People know EXACTLY where you are if you check in constantly. They know your habits, know where you like to shop and what bar you like to visit on Mondays after work for margaritas with friends.

But for me, I've realized, that's a GOOD thing. I'm not broadcasting my home address (my friends already know where I live). Any number of weird things could happen in public - no matter where I'm at and no matter if I twitter about it or not- and the odds of it happening because of someone who I'm friends with on Facebook are low.

Thinking about it, I'm more worried about the other people in the world than the people who know me "online". And because of that, I think having a Facebook and twittering about my life are actually good things. Helpful, even.

A few months ago, when my friend Ashlee was actually using her Twitter account, she jokingly said for me to call her mom if she hadn't tweeted by noon every day. I asked her to do the same thing. We laughed but thinking about it now (and here's the morbid part) if something WERE to happen to me (KNOCK ON WOOD, please) I'm pretty sure what I was sharing online would be a helpful part of figure out where the heck I was all day and who I was spending time with.

Last weekend, when my roommate was gone, I decided to go for a walk. It was the middle of the day, but WHAT IF? My roommate would have come home a few days later to discover the cats hadn't been fed in days and if it was a work week (and I hadn't taken taken those days off for vacation) I'm pretty sure my coworkers would be concerned and call, etc.

But if the last thing I had done online was post a Facebook status about "taking a walk" I'm pretty dang sure that would be helpful to the police searching for me.

So, don't feel weird if you know where I am or what I'm doing a lot of the time. I am totally okay with that.

/morbid post over

Being Social

I still live in the college town where I went to school. I happen to love this. I get to enjoy people, places and things very unlike how I did when I was a student (I have more time now, strictly working 40 hours a week when, as an undergrad, I had a full-time schedule, p/t job and double full-time activities load).

A few months after I started my full-time job, my closest friend Megan, moved to Japan with her boyfriend, now husband. Other than friends who were still in school, I didn't know many people other than my coworkers and my friend Ryan (late 2008 we spent most of our time watching episodes of LOST and Six Feet Under - we were exciting). And friends who moved to Kansas City might as well fallen off the end of the earth as often as I get to see them... (they clearly forgot how awesome Lawrence is).

Last winter (Feb 2008) my friend Briana dragged me to, what she was calling, a "tweetup". Yes, I was using twitter and conversing with local people, but did I actually want to meet these people?!

Short answer: yes, of course I did!

Now the people I've met via Twitter I see almost weekly. We have Lawrence Margarita Mondays at The Sandbar, lunch a few times a month, dinner sporadically and, every so often, shenanigans down on Mass Street (I even found someone to crash with while I was in between leases). This is in addition to the official monthly tweetups hosted by the Lawrence Tweetup organization.

Tonight, I'm heading to the Re:fresh! Art Show at the Barrel House downtown after Lawrence Margarita Mondays and the local tweeters get a VIP box!

Cheers to being social!

selection sunday

Yesterday, I was home for about 2 seconds.
Today, I've barely left the couch. I like to mix it up! I'll blame it on my anticipation for Selection Sunday. Which is ironic, since 7 years ago I had no idea what Selection Sunday was. But then I went to KU for school. A couple months later, I went to my first basketball game. I've been hooked ever since.

KU is the #1 #1 seed. Considered the best college men's basketball team in the country.

Here's to 6 more wins this season! Rock Chalk!

Deep breath

Last Friday, I made plans to go see a movie with friends over in KC. I rushed home after work, changed clothes, attempted to redo my makeup and stuffed a snack in my purse (and by purse, I mean giant bag that will fit snacks enough for 10 people attending a movie - that's how I roll...) and hit the road. The minute my tires exited the Lawrence city limits and my spedometer cruised to 70 (okay, probably 78) I felt like a different person. I reflected on the previous 2 weeks. My shoulders felt 20 pounds lighter, I turned up the radio and sang to every obnoxious pop song that came on the radio. I made myself laugh at a joke about Train, Collective Soul and being confused about being in the 90s again. I would have tweeted it if I hadn't been going 75, ok 80 miles per hour. Holy cow, I've been stressed and was not even dealing with it. I've been focused on some changes at work and getting into a workout routine. I've been freaking out about my limited cash flow -well, more about the paycheck I can't keep because of all my student loans.

I realized I had not been out of Lawrence since I returned home after Christmas with my family. I love this town, but two months without leaving this Lawrence is too long. Sometimes, you just need a change of pace or change of scenery. I was definitely getting a change this evening. I got some good KC BBQ and saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D. I vented to friends about other friends' stupidity and the changes at work. We talked wedding plans (not MINE of course) and job searches.

But I still had things to do last weekend. But got none of them done Saturday because of what I would call a depression like state. I am not actually depressed but last Saturday was awful. All my stress had built up and was now falling down and crushing me. And I was sitting on the couch letting it. So, I made a decision last Sunday to get up and do the things I needed and wanted to do. I went to the gym. I hate some fruits and veggies, I went on a walk with some friends at a park, I went to the grocery store and bought some good-for-me and yummy food. I came home and cooked. I was in a better mood because I had decided to be. Despite the stress.

Walk Kansas

There's nothing like being forced into an exercise challenge. Totally kidding. Kind of.

Actually, I don't know if I would have signed up for Walk Kansas on my own, but I'm glad I'm being guilted into it by my friend at Phera's Focus.

From what I can gather, it's a team of 6 (and anyone else you choose to force into the challenge by including them on an email list) that sets exercise and healthy eating goals for a few weeks beginning March 7. Hey! That's today!

Goals include 150 minutes of exercise for the week and eating a certain number of fruit/veggie servings every week.

I'm off to a good start today:
20 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes of weight machines
1 serving of fresh mixed fruit
1 serving of edamame (with a dash of salt!)

And I'm heading over soon to a park in town with a 2-3 mile walking/hiking trail with a couple twitter friends. The nice thing about knowing lots of people in town on twitter is being able to find someone to do SOMETHING with at almost any time night or day. This will PROBABLY be helpful in being motivated to get exercise. Also, motivating is the gorgeous spring weather we've been graced with here in NW Kansas. Fifty degrees?! YES, PLEASE!

I like the idea of this because it's not about losing X amount of weight or inches. It's about improving your lifestyle by becoming more active and eating healthier foods. It's also nice to have other people with the same goals to complete against/with. I certainly don't want to miss any goals that anyone else on my team are meeting!

apparently, compassion and the internet don't mix

While I'm not a practicing journalist, per se, it is one of my undergrad degrees. So, I'm all about free speech and expressing one's opinion. The best thing is, anyone can do it via the magic of the internet (see this blog).

But why, when we cross the line into the "world wide web" must we leave common decency at the door? I am all for dialogue and challenging people's ideas but what happens to people's compassion when they log in to comment on, well, anything. Blogs, youtube, twitter, anything. It's hard to communicate what you're actually trying to get across without facial expression or tone and the other person is JUST reading the words. So, I try and be extra nice. Add an extra :) Unless I'm trying to be sassy/feisty but even then I don't mean anything by it and those who I choose to communicate with know that (for the most part).

But that is certainly NOT the case with most people. The newspaper here in Lawrence, the Lawrence Journal-World, is notorious for its nasty comments/commentors. Maybe it is not any worse than other newspaper's site, but for a rather open and friendly community, it certainly does not reflect appropriately.

Recently (in the past 3 months, I'd guestimate), a woman who is a stripper at a local club started (anonymously) blogging on the website. She has written about how she began stripping, interesting occurrences on any given night and the politics of those who work in a strip club. It is certainly an interesting point of few for a profession that clearly isn't you typical every day job. Yet, the number of awful comments she has received is appalling. People who are (also anonymously) commenting waste no time passing out judgment and being just plain rude and mean because they can behind the cloak of the internet. Honestly, shouldn't you only express online what you would actually say to someone's face?

In my mind, if you don't agree with a subject or what someone chooses to do with their life, that's fine. But move along, there's plenty of other content on the web to keep you occupied.

My Favorite Things (about this weekend)

Reciting Anchorman quotes over breakfast with my roommate and friend, Becca.

Making chicken parmesan with my roommate (she's so good at it!) complete with a fancy salad. And we had all the ingredients in our house already! Progress!

Making banana bread late, late on a Sunday night. (yum!)

Eating junk food with my friend Becca while we drool over hot curlers. And by hot curlers, I mean attractive men who curl. Like, you know, the Olympic Sport?

Listening to my roommate talk to her mom in Korean.


Things I don't like:
having to go into the office to catch up on work
KU losing a basketball game :(
co-workers leaving

I'm trying to be POSITIVE here...

There's been lots of stuff that's happened in the 9 weeks of this year that I'd rather pretend didn't happen. But instead of complaining about THAT, I'm going to talk about the fun/awesome things that DID happen.

My boss called me feisty yesterday which I'm totally okay with.

I was asked if I had a 5 year plan. After staring blankly at the people who asked I said "I don't." A few hours later, I realized I'm also totally okay with this.

As a part of my job, I help students plan to get their degree. Sometimes I receive not so nice emails. But sometimes I receive emails that I love. Here is one:

"I received my diploma today, 2-22-10, in the mail. I will be forever grateful to you."

I love that.

The KU Men's Basketball team is rockin' the '09-'10 season. Every Saturday this month I've spent at least 2 hours watching basketball. That makes for a good Saturday! Three more games left in the season and 3 more wins until the team has won 2,000 games overall. That's. A. Lot. Of. Games. They are 12-0 in conference play and they have also already clinched at least a part of the Big 12 title. That's 6 seasons in a row. That's called OWNING the Big 12. Okay, I'll stop gloating now... (But I LOVE KU basketball!)

(Disclosure: KU DID lose 1 game this season, but that was ALLL the way at the beginning of January. Practically a different season!)

Photo from kusports.com

god of dreams and preparing an argument; a random collection of the day

Cranberry Fact of the Week:
The word “Murphy” was also a slang for sleeping. The word probably derived from “Morpheus” – the Greek god of dreams and sleep.
Thanks to Design*Sponge for that fun little factoid.


Weirdest thing I said yesterday:

"You don't expect to go through a day & have to prepare an argument as to why heroine is bad."
I could try and explain the context but I think not knowing is more fun.

More on Bailey Hall

Bailey Hall was named after Edgar Henry Summerfield Bailey, the first faculty member in the Chemistry Department at KU.

In 1905, Bailey Hall was the home of the Chemistry department and 2 faculty members discovered helium. Yes, helium. The element.

In 2001, it was added to the National Register of Historic Places.

Current departments/programs:

Humanities and Western Civilization

Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies

Communication Studies

African and African American Studies

Center for Russian, Eastern European and Eurasia Studies

American Studies

Center for European Studies

Yeah, there's a building named after me on campus, so what?

Ok, so there isn't a building named AFTER me, per se... but there IS a building on campus with my name.

Bailey Hall, home of many thrilling and exciting departments in the College of Liberal Arts & Sciences.

It's also the bus stop right before mine when I ride in the morning.

*Some* of the bus drivers are, let's put it, a little more enthusiastic than others. It's cute and slightly encouraging that someone driving a bus can be that cheerful in the morning. It's not cute when they announce *your* name rather loudly over bus intercom with more zest then you're used to and you almost fall off the bus seat.

Um, good morning?

top searches

Top 3 visits to my blog by google searches:

"things i like about coffee things i like about you" (from this)

"fall in love three times" (from this)

"i've longed to discover something as true as this is, so with a thousand sweet kisses-i'll cover you." (from this)

I should just make this a lyrics/quotes blog. Gets me my most traffic ;)

I got your swag!

Has everyone heard of Swagbucks? You can earn bucks for searches you do when you're logged into your account (I usually earn a buck after every 3 or 4 searches). After you earn so many points, you earn prizes. Right now, I have 42 swagbucks (from probably a month of moderate use). I could get a $25 e-gift card from restaurants.com or save up for Season 5 of House (60 swagbucks). You can make your default search in Chrome or Firefox Swagbucks so you don't even have to think about where to go to earn the swag ;)

to sign up:
http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/bailann

Becca: "we need to make a fort or something and make it a no-drama zone"

Truer words have never been spoken.

So who has a set of construction plans for a really sweet (and drama-resistant) fort?

to me

Dear Self,

I know you don't like self-evaluations, self. But I know you know they're good for you and for the general well-being of your career, office growth, etc. So quit wasting time and just do it.

Love,

Me

P.S. Self, your hair looks pretty today. And I'm glad you wore those shoes.

thank goodness

I like blogging and reading the inspiring and inspiring posts from other bloggers. But sometimes it's just another thing I have to do. But when it becomes something I have to do, it seems to have stopped being something I want to do. So, I don't. But it's hard to figure out the things I want to make my priority. Maybe because it is winter and I've been grumpy for WEEKS, but there are few things I actually want to do. Maybe because there is enough crappy things going on that I'd rather just watch movies and escape.

But fortunately, I still check out my reader every few days and a little bit of my hope comes back.

A hopeful/reassuring Love Story by Sara at Snapshots.
A breath of fresh air by Chelsea at Chelsea Talks Smack.

Thank goodness for that.

Advertising, football and controversy: CBS's gray area.

I have a friend here in Lawrence, Scott Winer, who has an interesting perspective on the recent decision by CBS to not broadcast a commercial about a gay dating website during the Superbowl (<--do I have to pay for that?!) Definitely something you should check out.

As a graduate from KU's William Allen White School of Journalism, this is such an interesting situation. Ethically, socially and media-related.
The Superbowl is such a huge advertising phenomenon and every year the cost of a 30-second commercial and banned commercials is news-worthy. Thirty-seconds of air time for, usually, America's most prominent brands. Is Coke really going to convince us to drink more Coke? Especially if Pepsi doesn't advertise? Ironically, the fact that Pepsi IS NOT advertising is news. Especially since they are planning on donating the money. Basically, it's a big deal.

Specifically in this year's situation, it comes down to ethics. Going into Journalism, I always had the idea that you do/write about what is right. But after my Ethics class, I was definitely more aware of the gray areas in journalism; both in the areas of marketing/pr and reporting. Is CBS doing acting on what's "right" (whatever that is) or are they sticking to their policies that they've recently changed? Is it one in the same? I don't know as much as I could about the situation, so I don't know.

But what's "right" for the American people to view (because something like 83% of the U.S. watches the Superbowl - it's an incredibly American thing to be a part of) CBS, or whichever network broadcasts the game, gets to determine what's appropriate. Usually, the biggest offender is GoDaddy.com. It's gotten to the point, I believe, that they make commercials with the sole purpose of being rejected, getting attention to their commercials online anyway, without having to pay the cost of the Superbowl commercials.

So, I am not really sure what the right answer is. But it certainly is an interesting question.

"the risk that I'm takin' "

This song came out last year but I heard it this morning for the first time in awhile and I remembered how amazing it was. It's simply, a breathtaking, beautiful song. And the video is refreshingly sweet. And, of course, Beyonce is gorgeous.

Rules

A couple years ago, I discovered my aunt had kept a list of "rules" my cousins and I had made when we were kids playing together at a family gathering. She ended up shrinking the list, making copies, laminating and making magnets from it; because really, what more basic rules do you need for life than the ones you create when you are 8 years old? So, I give you: The Rules.

Thoughts:

This one I keep on my desk at work. My aunt's boyfriend actually keeps copies of the list at meetings he goes to for his company. A fun and cute aspect to any business meeting, but also a reminder to "play nice". An important thing even as a grown-up.

I was 8-years old and while I did go on, at the tender age of 11, to win the 5th grade spelling bee at my elementary school (it was BIG time!) I didn't know SPITTING had two 't's. But I still think no SPITING is just as important of a rule. 2 rules in 1. Genius.

Despite this list being created in approximately 1993, I pretty much know why each rule made the list.

#1, #2 and #4 were because there were boy cousins. And any boy under the age of 10 (well, any age really) needs to learn to keep their hands to themselves.

#3 probably came from my sister who, at the age of 5, needed to know everything, much like myself. But we kept secrets from her because SHE didn't know how to keep a secret.

#5 was probably also from my sister who thought I was a big meanie and always got her into trouble (I was only able to avoid trouble myself because I spoke softly while my sister yelled for the whole house to hear - so she attracted the punishment. Not my fault I was a clever fighter!)

#6 was definitely from me because I was (still am?) completely insecure and worried no one liked me. Even my cousins. I like, well LOVE my cousins and am still somewhat close to them today. So them including me was important.

#7 Our parents raised us (somewhat) well so we were (sometimes still are) responsible children. And responsible children shared their toys (or video game controllers).

#8 It lasted until my sister was 18 (and I was 21) but she and I argued more than any other children my parents knew. We were good kids, but we could infuriate each other more than any other individual on this planet. We still can, we've just learned how not to. Most of the time. So I'm pretty sure our cousins added this to the list to keep us in line. Because if it was a kid rule, it was gold.

this abyss

A just read this Le Love post and the title stopped my breath. I just recently wrote an email (yeah, I'm a wimp and put it in an email) that included the words: "worth fighting for". Quite a bit of feeling I don't normally share went into that email and, thankfully, I still don't regret it. Maybe because it wasn't totally rejected, but it certainly didn't move us forward, either. The (what seems to me GIANT) step backward was still there. There's this abyss between us and while we have to figure out our own lives, in these difference places, we're also eyeing the abyss, trying to see if one of us can make the leap across.

/depending on how this whole thing goes, this post may one day disappear. But I hope it doesn't.

Piece of Me

1. "You can do anything. But you can't do everything." - David Allen (found via sunshine and wine)

It drives me crazy not to be caught up on what's in my Google Reader but I keep adding so many blogs to it (you people are hilarious!) there are usually at least 400 unread items. Sometimes, like when my laptop stops working, it reads 1,000+ and I can hardly handle the stress. I have the same problem with work and personal email. I will read it and deal with it later (or forget it exists).

2. "I watch you spin around in the highest heels / You are the best one, of the best ones -Dashboard Confessional

Delicious is my new favorite tool. I use it to bookmark lyrics of amazing new songs that catch my interest on my Pandora Ray LaMontagne station, recipes, or laugh-out-loud-and-your-coworkers-probably-think-your-crazy blog entries by fun new bloggers you've found (like Marie Antoinette).

3. "Please forgive me if I act a little strange / feels like lightning running through my veins" - David Gray

I hate not having a solution. Especially when it involves other people. But right now, we're at a stand still. And my heart is aching because of it. I can't let go but it's not happening right now. I hate the phrase "wait and see" but I guess we'll have to.

What Matters Now

I will straight up admit I got this excerpt from lauren nicole love. Thanks to her for finding amazing things :)

An excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert's book What Matters Now (a free eBook here)

We are the strivingest people who have ever lived. We are ambitious, time-starved, competitive, distracted. We move at full velocity, yet constantly fear we are not doing enough. Though we live longer than any humans before us, our lives feel shorter, restless, breathless...

Dear ones, EASE UP. Pump the brakes. Take a step back. Seriously. Take two steps back. Turn off all your electronics and surrender over all your aspirations and do absolutely nothing for a spell. I know, I know – we all need to save the world. But trust me: The world will still need saving tomorrow. In the meantime, you’re going to have a stroke soon (or cause a stroke in somebody else) if you don’t calm the hell down.

So go take a walk. Or don’t. Consider actually exhaling. Find a body of water and float. Hit a tennis ball against a wall. Tell your colleagues that you’re off meditating (people take meditation seriously, so you’ll be absolved from guilt) and then actually, secretly, nap.

My radical suggestion? Cease participation, if only for one day this year – if only to make sure that we don’t lose forever the rare and vanishing human talent of appreciating ease.

Happy Tears

I was in 9th grade when my emotional sensibilities kicked in. We watched "The Odyssey" in my English literature course and when Odysseus' wife, Penelope, realizes her husband has returned after 17 long years away, I wept for them. Thankfully, the lights were off in the classroom and my silent tears went mostly unnoticed by my classmates. That same year, I watched "City of Angels". And Nicolas Cage's previously unfelt pain was like my pain. He gave up everything for Meg Ryan and then she was gone. I set next to my friend since Kindergarten, Caroline, as we both tried to hide our tears. Apparently, we were saps.

But I didn't get it from any stranger: graduations, particularly important birthdays, high school dances, meaningful Christmas gifts, "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart; all produce tears from my mother's eyes. My sister and I used to make fun of her, now we embrace it. Especially since we're usually right there with her. My sister decided to make my mom a scrapbook of family photos for christmas. She started in October. I contributed scrapbooking materials, my sister's boyfriend picked out the book, and his son (my sister's semi-stepson) created his own page full of pictures and stickers. We decided weeks ago my mom would bawl like a baby when she opened it. A week or two before Christmas, she commented on this to her boyfriend's 5-year old son who responded, with alarm: "why will Cappy (Cathy) cry?". My sister told him our mom would be crying happy tears, not sad tears. But the tears came far before Christmas morning, when my mom eventually opened (and cried over) her scrapbook. Christmas Eve, she had my sister and I open identical presents. Small, silver bracelets that read"Sisters are different flowers from the same garden". A few glasses of wine in, and obviously, we were a little emotional about it.

A few times in the past couple months, I've found myself crying for no particular reason. Usually, in the car when I have nothing but my thoughts to keep me company or when an emotional song hits me, juuuust right.

Example:

• Laughed Until We Cried by Jason Aldean

More Jason Aldean music on iLike

But a lot of the time, I'm just thinking about all the good right now: my family, my high school friends, my college friends, my Lawrence friends, my coworkers, my job. Life isn't perfect, but I'm living it. Everyday, I'm doing what I want. I'm enjoying what I have. I'm dating someone and trying not to freak out or do that thing women do. I'm just glad I get to spend time with someone I am so grateful to have met this year who also happens to be an incredible person. Other than that, I don't want to push it.

So, there's all this good stuff? And I'm appreciating what I DO have, opposed to lamenting what I DON'T. I think that's what us humans would call happiness. And I'm thrilled to be there! May you always cry more happy tears!

7 days to celebrate

At 330pm on Thursday, December 17, I emailed my final paper to the instructor for my grad class this semester. I felt that 50 pounds had been lifted off my shoulder. Grad school wasn't the worst idea/decision I made this year but it is definitely high on the list.

I could have used a drink that night after work but, having been knee deep in research regarding state funding of public universities, I realized I had 7 days left to get all my Christmas celebrating in. So Thursday night, I cleaned the house. My roommate and I had both been all over the place for about two weeks, so the place had been a little neglected. And I was having a guest over Friday night and thought it would be good hostessing to have the place at least LOOK clean. Friday at lunch I grabbed some wrapping paper and starter logs for my fireplace. (I ended up not needing the logs because, WEIRD, I had a GAS fireplace. Oops.) Thankfully, the man (did I mention I was having a dinner guest?!) did his thing and got the fireplace going without blowing us up. Phew.

Saturday I did some shopping, watched the KU men's basketball team win its 10th game of the year. I wasted time watching movies and re-watching the So You Think You Can Dance top 6 dances. Then I put pins in my hair, green shadow on my eyelids, gray pumps on my feet and went downtown to see a big band (18 pieces!) and drink rum and cokes (please, don't tell my dentist or periodontist!)
Today I actually worked out (for the first time since before thanksgiving), went to the grocery store and made ranchburgers.

Ohmygosh, I have free time and I'm actually getting stuff done?! And enjoying the weekend? This is what I miss out on when I'm worrying 95% of the time about grad school work.

So yeah, grad school. Officially un-enrolled. I withdrew. I'm a grad school drop out. I should still probably let the program director know, but details schmetails. I'm glad I tried it. I'm also glad that I recognize it's not something I can continue. I've had my fill of classroom learning. I want to get out there and do things. Not write 20-page papers about the crappy funding state universities receive.

So, now I appreciate my free time now. And my ability to seek opportunities outside of school. After this year, after what I've tried, where I failed, what I've gained, the people I've met... I'm sure both wonderful and important things will happen next year. And now, I'll have more time to savor it all.

In a perfect world

Briana: When we have our own event planning company, our hours won't start until 10 AM (because of all of the late night events we'll have of course) but we'll aim to be at the gym together by 8 AM to exercise and get coffee. (at least in my head :) )
And every night a certain someone will sing me this song:


In a perfect world. I think I'll work on it.

But right now, I took the day off from work so I could work on my paper due for class on Thursday. So, I should probably actually do some writing.

December 9 Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?

So, a few days late. But I'm really just being picky and choosy with this "best of 2009 blog thing". Sorry, I'm not yet a dedicated blogger!

What I learned? Sometimes you just judge people totally the wrong way and you make bad decisions. And even though you know (deep down) it's a bad decision you throw in some make-believe and it's the best thing ever. Then it changes. But you know what? The best thing about me, is that I learned from it. That I can appreciate new people for who they are and what they mean to me because you've seen your mistakes. And this is different. This is me, growing.

And then you laugh about it. And that feels REALLY good.


Also, on a completely unrelated note, is it wrong to "favorite your own tweets"? Because I've done that twice this week...

Visuals

I got a new phone a few weeks ago and have loved using the camera (5 megapixels - not too shabby!) Here's a few I've taken.

I hate that it gets dark so early, but dusk is my favorite time of day.


Blurry, but a cool image.


On West Campus.

Me on pre-Thanksgiving date night.


Lawrence's Old-Fashioned Christmas Parade yesterday:


Some of the carriages are gorgeous:


It was a VERY chilly morning:


So I got a latte while I worked on my paper for class (LOVE Henry's on 8th!)


Some new art in my mom's bedroom.


KU's men's basketball team is playing at UCLA this afternoon (lucky them, bet it's 40 degrees warmer there) so I'm going over to my friend Ryan's house to watch the game. Should actually be a good game. The last team we beat by like 60 points- it's rough being the #1 team in the country! Rock Chalk!

Coffee Shop Thoughts

Lawrence has no shortcomings when it comes to coffeeshops. And I've been to 3 today. I'm working on my paper for my ridiculous grad class. (But that's a whole other topic!)

I had to pick a current issue in higher education and write about the topic generally and how it applies to the school I profiled for my midterm (University of Iowa - Go Hawks!) The topic I picked was state funding of public higher education institutions. This, if you haven't been paying attention, has declined drastically in the past 10-15 years and is clearly an important issue surrounding state budgets currently (see: UC system, University of Kansas). I've had some good, current information to use, not that I've enjoyed writing any more, but the discovery of information part is nice.

The biggest problem with funding (and I'm generalizing here), even after a 12% cut for fiscal year 2010, is that revenues for the state are not at what were projected when the budget was created. So, more cuts necessary. But my thoughts about revenue, made me think about taxes (hopefully, increasing taxes, or cutting previously implemented tax breaks will be the next route, not cutting more spending) and how much more of the money I pay in taxes (from my pay check) goes towards the federal taxes and not state taxes. Which made me think: "if only we could distribute more money towards the state budget, rather than federal budget. Which, inevitably made me think "why can't we CHOOSE where our tax money goes?" (I guess that's what our elected officials do, but clearly THAT isn't working out great!) Not a completely brand new idea, I'm sure, but WHAT IF?! Unless there was a great threat that called for an act of war (imagine post-Septemeber 11), who would CHOOSE for their tax dollars to go towards a war? There are clearly MANY problems with this idea, but it's kind of nice to think about. Because if my state and federal governments are going to take the hundreds of dollars they do every month, I'd like it to go towards funding education at ALL levels- that should NEVER be cut. But that's just me.

Now, if only I could pump out words for my paper as quickly as I did for this blog entry.

take a look

Peter DeWolf is a writer with a blog. He shares personal stories and short stories and poems.

Some of what he writes just really sticks. Like this one.

Also, this line from a recent blog entry:

"He loves vagueness in writing, but not in life."

Nothing has ever seemed more true.

I love finding words that I've never before read yet understand completely.

words to save/or

~Live Simply * Love Generously * Care Deeply * Speak Kindly~

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

On second thought...

This past week, I came to a realization. I don't LIKE my graduate program. Let me tell you, this is a very unsettling thing to realize. I thought about doing this higher education admin program before I even left undergrad, but the thought of my student loans from my out of state tuition gave me good reason to find a job that paid more than $9 an hour. So a few months after graduation, I was hired for my current job. I found out that I could take one class a semester and have it paid for by my current employer? Great, right?

Being a goal-minded person, I looked into the higher education admin program because, well, that's pretty much what I was doing and why the heck not get a master's degree? I applied this past February, was admitted and took my first elective over the summer. It was a tad overwhelming, simply due to the fast paced nature of the summer class and because I was super busy with other things in my life. But I survived, and they didn't kick me out, so I continued this fall.

I realized last week that my loans would not be deferred because I was a student again - shoot! It dawned on me that I was only tolerating the work because it made my budget easier to handle (that happens when you don't have to pay your student loans) and that is probably the WORST reason to be in school. A coworker said she had so much more fun in grad school than as an undergrad. I stared at her in disbelief. Granted, I'm working full-time and doing school part-time, but I don't think grad school is something you do because you "should" but because you "want" to. I also realized, I don't think advising/working at a university is something I'll do forever. I like it now, but I sometimes think I would like to go back to my j-school degree and do the marketing thing. But who knows what will happen. That's the exciting part, right?! I do know, another coworker went through the same grad program and she said it only goes down hill from the class I'm in now. And she completed it full-time, which took 2 years. We both are that rare post-undergrad that ENJOYS working opposed to missing the life of a college student and constant classwork. So, I'm taking her thoughts on the program very seriously. She still feels that, 6 months later, she's recovering from being in the program.

What I really would like to change about my life is the amount of income I have. I don't want to change my job - I genuinely enjoy it and the people I work with. I would like to explore new things and take risks. And if I have 10 hours a week to work on a class I don't like, what if I spent that time doing what I enjoy and in which I find value? Life, I think, would be that much greater. There have been people in my life recently who, in the way they act and think about the way they live there life, have influenced the importance I put on how I spend my life. It's a great lesson to learn and to apply in life.

As logical as this grad program is, I just don't think my heart is in it. And I've learned enough in a few years that our time should only be spent with people and doing things that we love. Why would I deny myself that?

Thought for the week:
"God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you
NEED: To help you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be." - unknown

An Award!

Life is a little out of control. But I'm living it and loving it. But I would like to do a better job at sharing and expressing what's going on in my life. That being said, I received my first blogging award over TWO months ago and I have yet to pass it on. A true blog fail, indeed. So, I'm rededicating myself to sharing my life with all the people who read this. All 6 of you!


Rebecca, from Living a Life of Writing, had bestowed upon me the Superior Scribbler Award. That in itself is exciting but let me tell you, I am in some impressive company! I'm a fan of this description of the award: What is a Superior Scribbler? One who employs mad skillz to communicate in this crazy, crazy world. Who pontificates, explains, memorializes & entertains. Who has a funny bone & is not afraid to use it. Whose cyber-crib we return to again & again, because it just feels right.
The Super Scribbler

1. Each Superior Scribbler, must in turn, pass the Award on to 5 most-deserving bloggy buds.

2. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author and name of the blog from whom he/she has received the Award.

3. Each Superior Scribbler must display the Award on his/her blog and link to this post which explains the Award.

4. Each blogger who wins the Award must visit this post and add his or her name to the Mr. Linky List at the Scholastic-Scribe's blog. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who wins this prestigious Award!

5. Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

Here are my Superior Scribblers:

1. Carolina Girl... because, even though we've never met, I'm pretty sure it would be great fun to have drinks with her!

2. Lauren Nicole Love... because Lauren created the fabulous image that I used in my blog header (thanks AGAIN by the way!) And she posts lots of pretty pictures and words and things. :)

3. Yellaphant... just because Bridget has no filter and it's fantastic.

4. Around the Way Girl (or Girl From Around the Way...? blogging issues, yuck!) Anna covers books and fashion and pretty pictures. It's great fun!

5. Places With Character Duta chronicles the interesting places she's been and her life in Israel. I love learning about different places.

yeah, we're gonna let it slide

my absolute favorite songs. (i will probably continue to add to this list... and make a killer playlist)

slide - goo goo dolls (all time favorite EVER)*
wedding day - rosie thomas
hey there delilah - plain white t's
she ain't right - lee brice
wasted - carrie underwood
best of you - foo fighters*
the luckiest - ben folds
want to - sugarland*
arms of a woman - amos lee
hey jude -beatles*
i need you - tim mcgraw and faith hill
vindicated - dashboard confessional
criminal -fiona apple
unchained melody - elvis
i can't stop lovin' you - keith urban
colorblind - counting crows
wind beneath my wings - bette midler
tiny dancer - elton john (or tony danza.... ha)
cowboy take me away - dixie chicks
wonderwall - oasis*
turn me on - norah jones*
time of my life - green day*
tonight, tonight - smashing pumpkins
landslide - fleetwood mac*
i've got friends in low places - garth brooks
undone (the sweater song) - weezer
georgia on my mind - ray charles
don't stop believin' - journey*
should've been a cowboy - alan jackson*
you give me something - james morrison
dear joan - rob thomas
both sides now - joni mitchell

edited later to add:
mrs. robinson - simon & garfunkel

edited to * top 10 favorites

life

It's hard, this thing called life. It doesn't make sense most of the time. There are fantastic feelings, amazing experiences and incredible people. But it still doesn't make sense. Be warm and happy and enjoying dinner and wine with friends one evening. And in the back of your mind thinking about this new, exciting possibility with someone you're getting to know. And life is good at this moment. Because it's unknown and full of potential. And the next morning. Well, the next morning you read something. And you have no idea what it's about but your project. You project your worst thoughts and fears on this and imagine the worst possibility. Except, even that worst possibility shouldn't have an affect on you. But that small bubble of regret or loathing bubbles up within you and pushes out all the warm and happy feelings you had from the night before. And it seems worse because you don't want this to matter anymore. You don't want to care. But that's why life doesn't make any sense. Because there's always a disconnect between what you think about a situation and what you feel. And it doesn't make any sense. You just have to hope you slowly learn to focus on the warm and positive moments.

sick day

After waking up briefly to call in sick, I stayed in bed until noon.

I watched Milk today for the first time. What an incredible story and movie. Sean Penn's Oscar was certainly well-deserved.

I watched Ms. Pettigrew Lives for A Day. A zany movie, for sure. But also endearing.

Now I'm watching the end of Nights in Rodanthe. Let's just say, I would appreciate a sexy pen pal who says asks things like "Who keeps you safe"? Damn you movies, damn you.

I made some instant potato soup, not really something I would recommend. Though, I may have read the instructions wrong...

I'll probably be in bed by 8. I hate being sick, by sick days are rather amazing.

? of the day, via J. Mraz

http://twitter.com/jason_mraz/status/5236198545

Thoughts on getting (flu) vaccinated

I'm a generally healthy person. I usually get sick once a year for a couple days and, if anything, under medicate myself in the process. Thanks to a roommate a couple years ago, I'm better about taking medicine (it helps!) but I'm not so quick to turn to nyquill, etc.

I'm sure I've had the flu, but I've never (in my memory - help mom!) had a flu shot. The flu, if you have been living under a rock *ahem* I mean if you have not been paying attention, is kind of a big deal this year. For the next 2 weeks, I am still in one of the "priority groups" and am eligible for the H1N1 vaccination. Children and young adults, 24 and under, in addition to pregnant women are encouraged to get the shot.

So, I should definitely get one, right? I do not know.

There has been a lot of discussion in my workplace about getting the vaccination. There are 2 of us in the priority group for the vaccine and there are a couple people encouraging us to get it. They believe we should get get the shot so we don't bring the virus to people in the office who are not yet eligible for the vaccine when we ourselves could have been vaccinated and prevented it from spreading. Logical, yes?

I DO work with a lot of students in their early twenties who are more able to spread the virus like wildfire (ie dorms, apartments, etc).

BUT, if there are limited vaccines available, shouldn't it go to someone who is more at risk for complication to occur if they were to contract the virus?

ignoring perfection

"You have a yearning for perfection"

Thank you, fortune cookie fortune for telling me what I already know.

But it knowing that and accepting that as a flaw in one's own character, seemingly, I have gotten past perfection?

Past everything working out just the way I want (and imagine) it to be.

Because I don't know what will happen.

I'll just have today and tomorrow to work at it and make the decisions that are mine.

And the mistakes that are mine.

Things I Like

"Should've Been a Cowboy" by Alan Jackson (favorite country song ever)

Music that puts me in a good mood (Single Ladies and Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy)

Flash Mobs (see below)

Sending emails to friends KNOWING it will make them laugh

Most of my coworkers (seriously, they're awesome people)

Being challenged at work (I'm putting a positive spin on things today)

Coffee dates

Talking about weddings (it's an addiction)

Finding out new things about myself with a little help from my friends

Cranberry Facts (ex. did you know when they harvest cranberries from a bog, they flood the field and scoop the cranberries that rise to the top?! And another one: people with darker skin develop frostbite more easily)

Knowing what's right and what's easy and doing the right thing even if you have to tell a friend "no" (How's that for cryptic!? ha)

and last, but certainly not least: FRIDAYS

flashmob AND Single Ladies, all rolled into one:

October goal

"My goal this month is to tell it how it is. No BS. No sugar-coating. I will not hold back because it makes anyone feel better or because I'm worried about what they'll think of me. I feel better already." (Yesterday's facebook status.)

I don't tell people how I feel. I act on it. Which, strangely enough, isn't as productive. I get this from my father (which is probably why neither of us has attempted to talk about our issues) but I know this isn't healthy. Makes me anxious and scatterbrained and uptight. Just by making this a goal, I'm going to feel better. I'll apologize when I need to and ask for apologies when they're deserved

I'm going to talk to my dad, not shy away from saying what I feel about a hurtful situation and tell a guy (the only one with any potential right now) that I think it sucks he lives 2 1/2 hours away.

Because, if I want things a certain way, I have to give it the chance to make it happen.

What my Dad's missed...

or, the past 6 months of my life. I haven't talked to my Dad since the end of March. The brief argument was silly but because of the challenges/issues we've had my whole life it's not something I'm going to let go of until we've figured it out and neither of us have attempted communication since then. I need to tell him how he's hurt me and how he's disappointed me. And then I'll tell him about my six extraordinarily, ridiculous 6 months:

I was in my first wedding. I went to two more weddings. I planned and was maid of honor for another wedding.

I moved twice. Once into a home of someone I barely knew. It worked out well.
It was an amazing and challenging summer, all at the same time. This summer gave me a different perspective on marriage, on kids, on life. Gave me the adult/parent version. I've shifted away from being the kid and shifted to being the adult.

I have an awesome new group of people I call friends here in the small city in which I live. I wouldn't have thought it to be such an important thing, but it has been. I needed the grown-up friends. Not just the people I still know from college. But I've also come to appreciate my friends from high school and college so much more. They know who I was at 15, at 18, at 22, at 24 (and it's surprisingly different And, sometimes, they know exactly what to say.

I dated someone who was actually closer in age to my dad than me. (I won't tell either of them that. Though, I may be tempted if either happens to piss me off anymore...) We ended up not knowing each other very well yet, or maybe because of, the way he ended it hurt. Actually, it made it ten times worse. (Let's just say I don't like things to be ambiguous. I'm big on honesty and knowing what the heck is going on.)

I was admitted to a graduate program. I completed my first class over the summer, despite all the drama listed above. I started my 2nd class. I realized, despite being almost 25, I am VERY different from 22-year olds, fresh out of their undergraduate experience.

A moved in with a complete stranger and it has turned out phenomenally well. I've had good/bad roommate situations, but this one is the most surprising.

I've been on the hunt for the perfect dog. Sammie should be joining the family next week!

I'll tell my Dad some of this, he doesn't need to know it all. It's been six months? Wow, life is moving fast.

*blogger only lets you use 10 tags. So in addition: weekend, women, men, puppy, harry potter, kansas, lawrence, hope, learning.... because life is full of everything.

even angels fall

You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
Even angels fall
_________

I didn't win the lottery over the weekend. Not that winning would have solved my pressing problems this week, but it certainly would have lifted my spirits!

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

Maybe This Time from Cabaret

Maybe this time, I'll be lucky
Maybe this time, he'll stay
Maybe this time
For the first time
Love won't hurry away

He will hold me fast
I'll be home at last
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time
And the time before

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me;
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me;
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time
Maybe this time I'll win

Glee, not for everyone

Glee is a new, hilarious show on Fox. I just saw it described in a CNN article as a "musical comedy". I love that. It's also rather satirical.

I was rather bemused by this comment after the article by a reader:
"I got 10 minutes into the show and turned it off after hearing one of the "faculty" call a handicapped character a "cripple." Way to go, Fox.
I honestly hope this show fails because it's toxic. "

I don't remember this line, but I'm pretty sure it's the crazy tall blond lady who coaches the cheerleaders and she's supposed to be an awful, spiteful, ridiculous person.

To this commenter: It's called CONTEXT, buddy, GET SOME!

Bliss

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Michael Emerson won THE EMMY!

That is all.

who you are

No matter how things end up and what happens to you or around you that you cannot control, if you speak and act honestly, in any situation, the easier it is to accept what has happened. Because, in the end, you can at least say you did what you thought was right and true, in your heart and in your mind. And why would you ever regret being honest about who you are and acting accordingly?

edited to add: Watching V for Vendetta with my roommate tonight. This, particularly, seemed appropriate for this blog post. From Valerie's story:

"But I'd only told them the truth. Was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free... for three years I had roses and apologized to no one... Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having.
We must never lose it or give it away."

Too much television? nah.

For the first time in my life, I have a DVR. I'm ecstatic.
Glee is incredible. And I'm excited for a fall season of So You Think You Can Dance. (I missed most of the summer season because my sched was carazzzzzy.)
Gossip Girls is reliably ridiculous but I'll keep watching. I don't think I'll be able to stomach Melrose Place, but I WILL keep tabs on Gawker's hilarious recaps.
I am loyal to Grey's (most of the time) but Thursday is confusing the hell out of me. Flash Forward and Vampire Diaries at 7pm, Grey's at 8pm and 30 Rock at 830, Project Runway and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia at 9pm. Can I record it all?!
House will be fantastic and, speaking of, my favorite "I'mma Let You Finish" (Kanye's bastardness really did give us the best internet trend of the year... AFTER Twitter of course :)
And to round out my FIFTEEN shows I'm recording: The Daily Show (because Jon Stewart GETS IT), How I Met Your Mother (always hilarious), NCIS (FABULOUS characters), Flash Forward (because it LOOKS SO COOL), The Good Wife (because I like watching Julianna Marguiles slap Chris Noth), Eastwick (witches! yay!) and Castle (Nathan Fillion is deliciously delightful!)

Hi, my name is Bailey, I'm a tv addict.

Landslide and the Weekend

I'm kind of horrible with music. I LOVE it, but I'm not good at identifying bands or songs. Some bands, like Smashing Pumpkins, are a little bit more identifiable for me. So, I had the radio on after class tonight and was 90% sure I was listening to a SP song. And I recognized the song - I even knew the lyrics! But it wasn't connecting. And I figured out it was a cover of a song - it was "Landslide", originally by Fleetwood Mac (Dixie Chicks also did a popular version). I have since listened to all 3 versions on youtube (and read that Stevie Nicks wrote the song when she was like 23) but cannot figure out which version is THE BEST. I know the original should ALWAYS be considered the best, but Smashing Pumpkins and Dixie Chicks recorded some killer (albeit very different) versions. THOUGHTS?! (I may also be in the process of adding this song to my top 5 favorite songs of all times. This may sound official, but it's a floating list in my head. It will never be set!)

My list this weekend:
Friday happy hour with my coworkers
A movie with my roommate who is FINALLY back as of tomorrow (She was kind of on tour, an orchestra tour. She's a brilliant percussionist)
A college football game
The KC Renaissance Festival
Finalizing a topic for my class case study midterm
Finishing unpacking boxes from the move (ha, this has been on the list for WEEKS!)

friendship = bear stand tables

One of my best friends (I have several who are all extremely fabulous and cool, I know you're jealous), Ashlee, and I looooove to spend our "free" time looking for pets, furniture and other fun things on Craigslist.

Our gchat from today (we were looking for a headboard for me to recover as a DIY):
Ashlee: Because we all need more reasons to troll Craigslist (I'm addicted)

me: me too

Ashlee: the pets section will be my undoing

Sent at 2:24 PM on Wednesday

Ashlee: i'm getting you this for your birthday.. heeeeee http://stlouis.craigslist.org/fuo/1377585000.html

See below for visual...

My awesome present? This:



I have the most awesome best friends in the WORLD.

Edited to add THIS as a bonus gift for the kitchen:



Klassy (as Ashlee would say).

The Good Girl

Found a post about the book "The Curse of the Good Girl" on The Scholastic Scribe's blog.
An excerpt from the book:
"Taught to value niceness over honesty, perfection over growth, and modesty over authentic self expression," Simmons says, "girls are locked into a battle with a version of themselves they can never attain. Their internal resources are drained by the energy and ruthless self-evaluation required to live up to this impossible set of personal standards."

I hate being wrong. I hate doing the wrong thing and sometimes I hate the way I act. Simply, because, I am The Good Girl.

Sometimes, I've wondered if I've been selfish in the way I've acted over the past few years. But I've really just been pushing myself to attain an "impossible set of personal standards". And I have to wonder if personal relationships have lacked because of this. Completely opening myself up to someone means they know my flaws and my inadequacies. A handful of people do know my weaknesses but I know they love me anyway. We've talked about them. Talked about my other relationships and how I behave because of what I've experienced in my life. This is actually quite comforting. I guess expressing yourself honestly usually is. But making the conscious effort to reveal yourself that way? Just another opportunity for failure. An opportunity for people to see you as you ARE, not how you WANT to be. Mistakes are okay, they are a part of life. I know this. I just cannot quite make myself comfortable with making them.

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." Oscar Wilde



And lyrics that, for today, say exactly what I feel.

"Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself"

Foolish Games by Jewel

what needs to be done

I think I would feel better if I just got sick. Get rid of all the bad, poisonous feelings you've given me. I think that would be more useful and swift then screaming or crying about it.


I didn't want to be that girl.


I'm too classy to make a scene. Too classy to make a scene in the middle of everything. That's what you deserve, to feel the embarrassment I do over what you did and what you didn't do. How you treated me. But I'm too classy to do that.


One day I will tell you to your face. And make you wish you had shown some respect for me. I didn't deserve that and you WILL be sorry for it.

Where We've Gone

I'm not sure how long it will take before I don't shed a tear on this day. I didn't know anyone in a building or on a plane but my show of human compassion does not stop with strangers.

Besides remembering all those we lost, it's also a day of reflection for what has changed and the effects that day has had; the whole country or personally, what we can acknowledge and what have not realized. The people who I spent my time with then, I no longer see or talk to every day. The majority of people I spend my time with now, I did not know then. They were in different cities and at different points in their lives, as was I.

I wonder every year, on this day, how my life's path has changed because of the events of Sept 11, 2001. What within me changed? My perspective, my goals, my values? Does my desire to do something important and meaningful in my life come from the shock and repercussions of that day? The world is a fragile, imperfect place - what can we do to make it better?

All of those things, I think, changed but I'll never know. Because we will never know what life would have been like if it all had never happened.

Reason for the tears

Fried Green Tomatoes
"I found out what the secret to life is: friends. Best friends."
"A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same."

Love Actually
When Emma Thompson's character cries
The airport montage at the end

Garden State
The end, in the airport. (Apparently, really emotional things happen in the airport...)

"My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw

When I feel helpless or stupid.

Hallmark commercials.

When my sister is upset.

When my family makes me mad.

Shuffle and Etsy and Christmas!

Fist, because I'm in a shuffle mood, the first 10 songs on my iPod today:
Middle of Nowhere by Hot Hot Heat
Paperback Writer by The Beatles
Want To by Sugarland
Chapter 26J The Second Task, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
The River is Wild by The Killers
Track 8 of some Jimmy Buffett album (I keep my iTunes immaculate, no?)
Secrets That We Keep by Sara Evans
Can I Stay (live) by Ray LaMontagne
Restless by Alison Kraus & Union Station
For Emily, Wherever I may Find Her (live) by Simon & Garfunkel

Loving Etsy right now. Lawrence is having an Arts Fest a week from Sunday and I plan to officially kick of the Christmas gift purchasing season, including visiting Hmmm... by Melanie who lives in Lawrence and makes FABULOUS purses! (Excited to do this so soon as previous years I've waited until I've been done with classes...ie TWO weeks before Christmas. Stresses. Me. Out.)
Then, I fully plan to go crazy with the online shopping. As much as I love Target, I am on a mission to find more unique gifts. I was thinking about splurging on some fabulous handpainted glasses by marywibis for my mom and sister; then I remembered that any given weekend that I am home, they break, on average, two glasses. Each.