strawberry fields forever

No, this post has nothing to do with getting high. That's what The Beatles song was about, right? If not, well, I just assume these things...

I'm listening to the soundtrack from Across the Universe which was a musical movie based on music by The Beatles. I love musicals and who doesn't love songs by The Beatles? The movie came out in 2007 and either that summer or the summer after, my friend Megan and I bought the soundtrack together and drove around Clinton Lake listening to it. It was a 2-disc set and she liked more music on the second disc, I liked more music on the first disc. So after loading all the music from to our laptops, we took our respective discs for our own.
Megan and her boyfriend left in July 2008 to move to Japan to teach English. I've seen her twice (I think) since then. Her first trip back was a year later in 2009 when she and Nathan got married. The next trip back was Christmas 2009 (if you're keeping track, it's been over a year since I've seen her).

Meg and Nate announced a few weeks ago they would be returning to the states (and Lawrence, Kansas!!!) for good this August. They'll be here this weekend looking for a place to live and employment. I am absolutely ecstatic that they are returning! Their return really highlights how much can change in three years. The last year of college (2007) was pretty rough. I had to work and was leader of one of the largest student orgs on campus. I was living with people who ended up not being the friends I thought they were. Actually, now that I think about it, I see that as the leap/transition from being a college student to trying to be a grownup (still a work in progress, really). I am not sure I would have gotten through the summer of 2007 and last semester of college (fall 2007) without her. We graduated that fall and searched for jobs together. We found jobs that neither of us ended up being happy with. She figured it out right away and, when the opportunity presented itself, went on a grand adventure to Japan. It took me longer to figure out that this job isn't what I want. And now, once again, Megan and I are looking for jobs.

Except three years ago, I was 23 and fresh out of college. I spent two months post grad completely unemployed and socially withdrawn. It feels like crap to have had a productive and resume-filled 4 1/2 years to be released to the real world and feel that you may not be living up to the expectations. There were people that hurt me and judged me and I didn't want them to know. I didn't want to spend time with them, let alone know I had failed. Though, now being unemployed for two months doesn't seem so bad in comparison to what the economy has been in the past three years. And my social life has picked back up. Post graduation, it's easy to lament the loss of friends scattered far. It takes more to insert yourself in new social situations and make new friends. It's not easy to do when you're surrounded by thousands of college students who are no longer your peers but the people you're supposed to advise. Now, my job search is fueled by my desire to move back into a career field that I'm excited about being a part of. It's not fuled my a post-grad panic filled with lots of CBS show (the only channel I could get) watching and scrambled egg and toast eating.
Three years ago, I never thought Megan would be married and living with her boyfriend in Japan while I'm planning to move in with my boyfriend. My boyfriend, Phil, who Megan hasn't even met. This seems crazy.

"living is easy with eyes closed"

My sparkly blue nail polish mocks me

(Note: I wrote this on March 27, a few weeks ago after KU lost the tournament game to make it into the final 4. Not sure why I didn't hit "publish post".)


*sigh*

KU can't win it every year but every year there's always that point when fans think, "this is the year". And then they lose.

And, for the 2nd year in a row, KU loses on a day when a cold-snap brings snow to Lawrence. There's always one freak snowfall in March but I am not amused it falls on the same day as a KU loss.

But it's this kid that makes this hurt. Here for four years and totally worked his butt off. There are several on the team that have their choice to leave or stay, but this was Tyrel's last game.


I came up to my office after the game to work on some cover letters and job applications. Might as well be productive while I pretend not to be sad.

It's the free time that's dangerous

Where did all this free time come from this weekend? Did I not plan accordingly. Am I feeling restless... about I don't even know what? Is it the lack of jobs to apply for? Is it the waiting for the jobs I HAVE applied for making me nervous and jumpy? Is it the warmer weather? Is it my lack of exercise?

I feel anxious. Maybe because things are going to change? Well, I don't know if they're GOING to, but I hope they're going to be changing soon. I feel this buzz. The electricity in the refrigerator seems louder, not because there is no other sound in the house, but it knows too. Yes, the refrigerator is humming with electricity because things might be changing. And I'm ready. But I'm not being patient about the waiting. I'm moody (yesterday I was on top of the clouds enjoying the day and today I'm grumpy for no good reason). I'm being sarcastic (especially at work) in a bitter, not-fun sort of way.

I'm questioning myself. Who am I? I think I've always had a very poor concept of who I am. A friend during my sophomore year in college told me she didn't think boys asked me out because they thought I was intimidating. I still find that shocking. I was shy and quiet growing up. A couple of friends I made freshman year in high school at first thought I was a snob because I didn't talk to them. I didn't talk to them because I was shy and afraid everyone was going to hate me. So, thinking me in high school OR college was anything close to intimidating seems absolutely laughable. I've known since ninth grade that I'm a bitch. But that was because I had one friend I always fought with and that's what we called each other in the mean, horrific, that's-the-worst-thing-you-can-say-to-a15-year-old way. I can still be a bitch. But mostly because if I have an opinion, I'll share it. And my sympathy is low on most occasions. Especially at work. And it's at work where when I hear people say things about me, I'm wondering who they're talking about. I'm sassy. And outspoken. And the one who is speaking up to say, "no, don't let this happen today, it's NOT ready!" (Totally my best moment at work last fall). They also think I'm funny and insightful. And this baffles me. Maybe I'm still getting over or moving past that girl I was in high school. That girl who with low self-confidence. Since sometimes mid-college, I have slowly figured out things about me that I like (god, that sounds sad and pathetic). And the people I keep around me are the ones that like the same things about me. And the majority of the time, I surround myself with those people and those ideas. And I keep myself busy with work. And looking for more work. And being excited about my friend Megan coming back to town. And spending time with my wonderful boyfriend. And doing work for my wonderful boyfriend's new company. And working with the Girl Scout troop that I'm a co-leader for.And spending time with friends. But sometimes, on a weekend like this, where I have less to do and I can't convince myself to do actual housework, I think about ME. And that's unsettling. Because. Because: Who am I?


Sometimes, I have no idea.

What's happening, April?

One day, when I am not spending every free moment applying for new jobs, I will write more. But I've always said that. I've always said "I want to write more". I want to develop a style. I want to be inspired to write a story.
On occasion, I have great moments of inspiration to write. It hasn't happened in awhile, but I would sometimes start writing just a thought right before bed. And sometimes the (somewhat poetic) thoughts wouldn't stop for an hour. I would just write and write. I don't have quite as much free time anymore, so my free thinking, creative thoughts aren't as active.

But today, I'm sitting at Henry's with Phil on a gorgeous spring afternoon in Lawrence. I had to work at my real job today (yes, on a Saturday). And I stopped by the Lawrence library to get the next book in the YA series I somehow can't stop reading. (We can blame my highschool BFF for that.)
So, I'm sitting here with Phil, doing a little work for his company, making some headway in my Google Reader and looking for jobs. As of right now I, shockingly, have no jobs to apply for. I've been pretty seriously job hunting for about six months and have constantly had jobs to apply for. I feel very lucky that there is so much opportunity in the Kansas City area in the field I want to be in.
---
I had a job interview in February for a small events and meeting planning boutique. It seemed like a great job and a good fit but I was not comfortable at the interview. Maybe because my interview skills were rusty but I kind of think the person I interviewed with wasn't very personable/friendly. At least, she didn't come across like that in the interview. So that was definitely not my best. I did receive a call they were moving on in their search with other candidates. I wasn't that sad about it.
I interviewed for a position with a super-new start-up tech company. It has a lot of buzz right now. A LOT. OF. BUZZ. But it was a two-month contract. And I had to start, like, yesterday. And as much as I'm not at all content and completely annoyed with my current job, I made it clear that I could not start for another two weeks. At least. Because leaving before June would give my current coworkers a lot more work in an already full spring semester. So, I won't screw them over. I'm loyal like that.
I applied for a job for a company in KC in January (yes, THREE months ago). I thought the position was open. I received a response that they weren't looking for anyone. (Me= totally confused). But the company contacted me about a month ago. They had some positions open again. After 3 weeks of phone-tag, I finally had an interview scheduled for this past week. It went great! It's a very employee-focused company. Casual dress (ie jeans) and the HR recruiter was personable and friendly and there were really only two "interview" questions. It was a conversation, not a question and answer session. Between the really great interview (including)  the promise of an additional interview with some management in the area of the position) and the pingpong + video game room, I'm really excited for this position. The ONLY downside is the commute. Forty minutes each way. Not bad, but definitely a time suck.
But I do have a second interview next week, so it's promising.

But there are two positions IN the city I live that I REALLY want because the commute would, obviously, be shorter. And I could do more work for my boyfriend's company. BUT WHO KNOWS. I need a job offer before I make any decisions. But here I sit, with no jobs to apply for. And that seems weird. But I'm sure something will pop up in a few days. Or, even better, I have an actual job offer.
---

But I have to time to write. And Henry's reminds me I want to sit in a coffee shop all day writing. Or doing something creative.
Or, thinking how me and my friend Becca should start an event planning business. Or, how I should be looking into more freelance writing opportunities. Or how there's so much stuff I could do and I just can't decide.

And how this blog entry has completely lost any focus.

What were we talking about again?

Newspaper Fingernails

This fun idea was popping up in my twitter feed today.  Newsprint on my fingernails?! Fun!
Alas, the article linked to another and the instructions were in French.


What's a non-French speaking girl to do? Besides learning French and risk being whisked away to the land of Eiffel?


Google translator, of course.


You'll need scissors, a nail polish color pale, with a base coat
a newspaper, alcohol (such as vodka or other) and a top coat.

Varnish your nails by applying a base coat and two coats of varnish.
Put alcohol in a glass.
Cut small pieces of newspaper large enough to cover your nails.
When your nails are dry, soak them in alcohol.

Cover your nails with small pieces of newspaper.
Remove small pieces of newsprint slowly.
Let dry and apply a layer of top coat.


Can't wait to try it!

Just a little bit warmer

I walked to my office this afternoon after eating my lunch outside behind my building. The bench wasn't very comfortable but the stone was warm and welcoming. My arms and face had turned a bit pink from the 30 minutes I had spent outside. It wasn't long, but my skin has been missing color for months now.

Wasn't it snowing this time last week?

In the middle of January, in the middle of February the winter season seems so long. But now, I'm wondering "didn't we just celebrate my birthday?" and "What happened to Christmas?" and "Did I listen to any holiday music?"

We're happy tonight.

Walking in a winter wonderland.

While I love the snow falling and twinkling Christmas lights and a crackling fire in the fireplace I also need the change. I appreciate the crisp air of a late October morning because just two months before the temperature is higher than a human's body temperature and the humidity makes me melt into a puddle. So, it is about time for the weather to warm up. 

But not too much.

You know it when....

You know it's bad/serious you need a new job when your coworkers start emailing you/printing out job opportunities they think you'd be perfect for...

*Not that they want you to leave but they're ALSO looking for new jobs

This is a rant

"Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from..."


As an employee, I'm responsible, hard-working and a team-player. 
I will do what I'm required and go above and beyond. 


But that stops as soon as you take advantage of my willingness to do more than just my part,
...that stops when you are condescending,
...that stops when you make me feel worthless and lazy.


Others feel the same way. 
I'm just saying it and making it known that it is not okay. 
I'm not accepting the status quo.

NaBloPoMo - February!

The email I got from NaBloPoMo about February blogging:

Greetings, bloggers! The theme for February blogging is CHARACTER. It's a flexible theme, allowing you to blog about all sorts of things:

1. The people in your life who stand out in regard to their outstanding (or lack of) character -- the use of pseudonyms might be prudent here;

2. Experiences in your life that have helped you build moral character, and the work you might still need to do;

3. It's a chance to try writing in character -- try on different personas and voices for fun, or to address things you might not normally talk about;

4. Character is another word for a letter or symbol, if you feel like it's finally time to indulge in some font nerdery.

I know a few characters. I also like to create characters for stories I never get around to writing. Maybe working on some interesting character development this month will get me motivated for - at the very least- a short story or two. We'll see.

Happy Blogging, NaBloPoMo kids! Just think, at the end of THIS month, it'll be March and we can **hope** the weather will be a bit warmer.

Yours blogging from the Blizzard of Oz,
Bailey

a year ago

Amazing what can change in a year.

A little over a year ago, I cried late at night, by the fireplace at my old house, over a stupid boy. A stupid boy whose goal in life was to be a high school football coach in a small town (sorry Meg, I know you're friends). The next day, in an effort to be around people and not be so mopey, I went to lunch with someone who over the previous few months had become a good friend. And I complained about what happened with the stupid boy.

It took us a few more months, but that friend and I finally figured out we both wanted to be more than just friends. And the past six months have been amazing :)

And I wouldn't change a thing.

Garden State

I watched Garden State with Phil last night. It had been well over a year since I had last seen it. I haven't even had my copy since January when I loaned it to someone to make a point. Either they A) didn't watch it or B) didn't get or care for my point. Either way, I've moved on and now really just want my damn movie back.

My point is, it's been at least a year since I last watched it. Maybe closer to two years. And let me tell you, a lot has happened in that time. And this is important because Garden State is my favorite movie. Not just because the action or the story or the characters are great but I watched it at a time that it really had an impact on me. No, it didn't changed me but it was just the perfect movie to come along at the time it did. I had started my sophomore year in college. I had had an awful summer in Des Moines with my family (it ended up being the last one I spent there) and, you know, I was trying to figure stuff out. I had lost that idea of "home". Not just a place, but the connections I had and the people I surrounded myself with. This has continued to evolve since then but it was really very profound then. I was shifting from being a part of nuclear family to being the oldest child in a family with newly-divorced parents. But I was also two states away and I really didn't have to deal with it. And holidays from then on out always seemed to have some drama. My sister and I were yelling at each other or my mom was annoying me or I was mad at my dad. I was never sure where it was going to come from but something was not going to go well. So, Lawrence became my home. I wrote about this before.  My shift from Iowa to Kansas. But Garden State  stuck with me. I had to buy a copy. I had to own the soundtrack. Every so often, it made me feel better. It's the idea that you do what you want to in life, you do the important things and you spend time with the important people. And you do your best and sometimes it still sucks. But you have to hold on to the good moments and the laughter.

But something in the last year and a half changed. The move felt different. I had the realization that most of the characters in the movie are about 26 years old. I am 26. I am no longer a 19-year-old college student.  Other than that, I can't say for sure what else was different about the viewing of this movie. I still laughed, I was still sad during the melancholy moments. But there was a tone to the movie, a different layer, that I understood. The characters seemed more like peers; not the grown-ups I had thought them to be when I was 19. I can unequivocally say I was viewing the movie as an adult.

Definitely still my favorite movie.

"I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have."

"You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. It isn’t possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know." -Elizabeth Edwards


""You know, you really have two choices here. . . . Either you push forward with the things you were doing yesterday, or you start dying [and] let cancer win before it needed to," she told CBS News anchor Katie Couric. "I don't want to do that. I want to live.""


"For many months, she visited Wade's grave site every day. She took him his SAT score when it arrived after his death. She read him books from his classmates' school reading list, she said in her memoir. It was after his death that she, who had always used her own family name professionally, became Elizabeth Edwards.

"I took my son's name," she told Ms. magazine in 2004. "I didn't take my husband's name."

[www.washingtonpost.com]

Giving up cable. And the internet?!

Real conversation I'm overhearing right now:
Person 1: "I'm convinced I'd be better off without cable television and the internet"
Person 2: "I'll give you the cable but not the internet".

I can attest to not having cable. I'm fine without it. I read more. I watch movies. And ya know, it's pretty easy to watch a lot of what's on tv online.

But the real question, is can our society really function without internet at this point? If you're reading this (especially during the day) you're probably at work and need it for some function of your job. I couldn't go without it professionally. And I like connecting with people online (this blog, for instance. And Twitter!)

Could you go without using the internet for personal (non-work) use?!





Another snippet from the same convo: "I did breakdown and watch Glee last night..." ha!

#30!!!

This, ladies and gentlemen, is post number thirty for the month of November. As you can see by the fancy, flashy, shiny new badge on the left side of my post.

Right here
<----
No, down a bit more.

Isn't it fun?! And kind of snarky/sarcastic?! Love it.

I also love that I made it to the end of the month with 30 posts! I didn't quite get one posted every day but I doubled up several days to make up for it. 30 posts, 30 days. Never done before by this blog.

I hope you've enjoyed them! Some were silly and done with very little effort and some of them meant a lot. This one, too. And this one, definitely.

I don't think I could have done it without blogging pressure (only the good kind, of course) from Debbi, Amerika, Jenn and Eric. It really is true it's easier to do things with others. There were quite a few other people doing NaBloPoMo and I hope there are even more if we do it in February!

Edited to add: my friend Megan in Japan was just 5 posts away! So close!
And another Megan (in Lawrence) was part of the fun, too.

But can you believe it? December is tomorrow. TOMORROW!

What I'm excited about in December:

• my goal of commenting more on other blogs
• working on my own website (this is a maybe or a Jan/Feb sort of thing- my computer access is limited in a few weeks)
• spending Christmas with this goofy guy
• the first snow fall (I LIKE snow. Don't hate.)
• holiday baking fest 2010
• hopefully, a possible job interview (my grandma and I keep dreaming about it - that's gotta mean something, right?!)

Amazing Grace

Tonight the girl scout troop I volunteer with had a music event on the KU campus. They went and learned about music, made musical instruments, learned about composition, learned about different types of instruments. They also made music. It was so sweet to hear this group of girls sing "Amazing Grace".

The one time I remember singing "Amazing Grace" was ten years ago. I had gone with my girl scout troop (yes, I was 15) to Philmont - the boy scout camp in New Mexico. The last morning of our 10-day hiking and camping trip we woke at 3am and hiked about two hours to our last high spot. As we watched the sun rise, we sang "Amazing Grace". I'm not sure what it was about the moment. It may have just been so amazing we were compelled to sing the most beautiful song we could think of. It is definitely on my top 5 favorite moments in life list.

Monday, Monday

This semester (yes, I work at a university, thus time is measured by semesters...) I have been working in another department on Monday mornings. I have to drag the laptop to this office as well as my purse and bag of food for breakfast and lunch for the rest of the week. Oh, and my coffee.

This morning, it was quite the load on the crowded bus. 

This being my first day back to work, the productivity seems low. It usually kind of is on Monday. Unless I have a bunch of appointments. Forced productivity, I guess.

Mondays aren't anything special, really.



But they used to be...

Nine months ago, a friend hit up The Sandbar when she was waiting for her son to be done with an art class downtown. A couple of us joined her. She went again the next few weeks and a few more of us came. This was in February and I think we all just needed out of the house. Then the spring and summer months came and what better way to enjoy the warmer months then on the patio?

The group of us that always went got a little busy. And got a little low on cash so we haven't gone in some time. I expect us to need to get out of the house in February again so that might be our next Margarita Monday evening.

It sure did help make Mondays more special.

A word on National Blog Posting Month...

28 days into National Blog Posting Month (this is post #27) and a few thoughts about it.

It's been nice to have a group of people (via Twitter) helping with the encouragement. Nice to "report" to someone even if, I'm pretty sure, they aren't going to Fail me in life if I don't post something.
It's nice to have (just a bit of) pressure to constantly be thinking about ideas for blog posts - even if they're not the most compelling of stories.

But has this helped with getting comments (I love feedback): not really. I think what has helped is actually posting the blog links to twitter. I wasn't really doing that before (because sharing is scary sometimes!) And with more posting, it does seem like there have been more comments - but only in relation to the amount of blogs I post. I'm not getting dramatically increased comments per blog.

Have I devoted more time to reading other blogs? This past week, I've tried. I've really tried to keep on blog reading. But I didn't work! I had lots of free time. This month I did attempt to make more comments on blogs when I was reading posts. Because who doesn't love comment love? I know I do!

What do you get out of posting or sharing more blog entries? What has National Blog Posting Month done for you? What do you think we should do differently (this is aimed to the group who plans to participate again) in February?

Girl Scout cookies!

Hey Lawrence!

Wanted to let you know you can get girl scout cookies this week! No, you don't have to pre-order... you can get the ACTUAL cookies!

Location is at the 23rd Street Hy-Vee - we will be selling next to the Christmas trees!

There are two troops - one group of brownies, one group of juniors - so come out and support local girl scouts! Part of the proceeds of every box go to the individual troop and part go to the local council.

Make sure you are briefed on current (including some new!) girl scout cookies. Samoas are my favorite!

Sweet, cherry pie

I am making a cherry pie for my my (2nd) Thanksgiving dinner this weekend, which is this afternoon with my mom's side of the family.

It's my favorite. I think, before too long, I will make a cherry pie from scratch, even if that means pitting the cherries myself, because I don't think  buying pie crusts and cherry filling really counts as homemade even if I do put it in the oven myself.

I credit my cherry pie (my favorite of the pie varieties) love to the cherry tree that grew in my neighbors yard when I was growing up. It was definitely a tree in his yard but much of the tree hung over the fence between the properties and over the driveway next to my house growing up. Dan, my neighbor, let my sister and I pick cherries when they were ready and we would take heaping bowls home. My mom sometimes made fresh pie and sometimes we would pit them and eat them fresh. It is definitely one of those warm childhood memories I know will continue to be the reason for my choice in pie.

But now to look for that perfect cherry pie... this one looks like a winner.

escape

I won't get into too much detail -- who needs to hear about other people's family drama, really? -- about how Thanksgiving went on my Dad's side of the family. It was good! And then it wasn't. Isn't that always how it works? Everyone is manageable until someone reaches the tipping point with the number of alcoholic beverages and says something stupid. And that one comment is the igniter for the blow up.

*sigh*

I never know from which way it's coming either. My dad. My sister. My mom. My aunt. Odds are usually in one or two family members' favors but you never quite know. This time, it sucked, but really, it wasn't a surprise. And that's the sad thing.

It's like a scary movie: you expect it, you just don't know when it's coming. And it freaks you out. But you can't say you didn't know it was coming.

This has made me want to scurry back to Lawrence ASAP. At my first available opening. In this instance, it's tonight. After the 2nd Thanksgiving dinner of the weekend has been prepared, eaten and cleared away. After most of the family has left the clubhouse at my mom's condo. It will probably be dark but ces't la vie.

It also makes me consider my Christmas plans a bit differently. Instead of trying to please others, I'm going to do what I want. And spend it with who I want to be with most.

But for this weekend, I'll be escaping from all the family time. Escaping to Lawrence. Escaping to home.